Weight Loss Surgery and Fatphobia

I started to write a post about all of the comments I’ve gotten on social media since deciding to share this journey. And how all of those comments have made it exhausting to have to confront my own internalized fatphobia while also challenging everyone else’s.

But I’ve decided I’d like to focus on my own internalized fatphobia.

A while ago I saw a tiktoker who said that anyone who is actively trying to lose weight is fatphobic. And honestly, I had to chew on that for a second. It was such a sweeping statement that it definitely slapped me in the face when she said it but as I took a second to process it, I realized that fatphobia is not that simple. There is nuance there. And mostly because not everyone wants to loose weight because they don’t want to be fat. A lot of people do it because of health reasons. This does not mean that all fat people are unhealthy (see? nuance.). I can understand how fatphobia comes into play when people are actively trying to lose weight because they don’t want to be fat and think that they are less of a person when they are bigger.

Enter my own internalized fatphobia.

I have been fat for as long as I can remember. I was always teased in grade school. I was always the fat friend in college. And now I’m the fat woman who is fetishized but rarely loved out loud. It’s exhausting. I am uncomfortable (sometimes actually in pain) in almost every seat in public, I have pretty bad anxiety when I’m traveling by plane, I shop mostly online because like…where do the trendy fat people shop in person? This world isn’t made for fat people. At all. Who wants to be a part of that? And when you spend most of your life being told that you ARE ugly and less of a person when you’re fat, it’s really hard to condition yourself to believe anything else. Especially when many of your first bullies were at home.

Quick note: if you’re a fat person who has never dealt with self esteem issues, or feeling ugly or who claims the bullying and insults never effected you, this isn’t your conversation boo.

I am getting weightloss surgery because I physically do not feel comfortable anymore. Not like I don’t feel comfortable as a fat woman, no. But literally, my body feels like it’s stuffed and I think that’s because I’ve reached a point where my frame can not handle the amount of weight it is carrying. Which is evidenced by my left knee that aches every time I climb stairs, or my back that hurts if I stand for longer than 10 minutes at a time. I’ve also just recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Which is directly associated with the amount of fat that I have on my body.

But being able to shop in any store, sit in any chair, and not have anxiety when flying ain’t gonna be so bad.

I don’t hate being fat. I hate that the world I live in makes it so uncomfortable for fat people to exist.

I recognize that none of these are linear thoughts. This post feels a bit all over the place but that’s because so are my emotions around this surgery. I’m not going to be skinny after it. But I will be significantly smaller than I am now. Which is going to be life changing for me. And that brings up a lot of feels.

At any rate, here’s the update:

Surgery is in 4 days. So it’s been 17 days without food. As of yesterday, I lost 21.5lbs since I started fasting. I was 307.8lbs yesterday. I can start to see it and so can other people. My dad said to me yesterday that he eventually won’t be able to recognize me lol. I’m ready for this to be over tbh. I’m tired of being in a constant state of hunger. Post surgery, I’ll have another 3 weeks of liquids and then I’ll be able to introduce (puréed) food again.

Send prayers and good vibes before this surgery.

-F