For the "tragically" single women who are still hopeful.

My sister recently got engaged. Super duper happy for her. Like, extremely happy. She's been waiting a few years for her boyfriend - now fiancé - to pop the question. So we are all very excited about the transition for her. With the recent excitement of her engagement comes the "tradgedy" of my own singleness. The story is rather familiar, right? The older sister who watches her younger sister walk down the aisle as she holds back tears and holds onto the last bit of hope that she's not destined to be the sister who never married. 

Since we're always here for transparency - the news of engagements never excite me (except my sisters. I've been waiting for this one. Dumb excited). It only reminds me that I'm still getting "wyd" text messages and flipping through middle finger pictures on Tinder. It's no secret that my dating pool is rather murky and shallow. There are about five good men left in the world and I think that they're all hiding in the North Pole somewhere with Santa Claus - ijs.  

I want to believe that I won't shrivel up and die alone but the further I go without any prospective mates, the more I'm wondering if dying alone isn't such a bad idea. I'd rather die alone than settle for a "wyd." (This is me really trying to convince myself that this is true). The fact of the matter is - we have a relatively small window of opportunity for babies. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want to be a mother more than most things. But, the opportunity is slowly passing me by. I'm praying that God doesn't let it.

While, I want to be married and have beautiful babies, I hope that God makes my path cross with a great man. A leader, a go-getter, a family man and a lover who's desire is to love how God does. I won't settle for anything less just to satisfy the craving I have for a family. I want a family but I want it the way God intended me to. 

Until then, I'll watch my sister walk down the aisle proudly; holding the train of her dress and dabbing her make up with tissue. I will celebrate her like I know she would celebrate me when it's my turn. All while praying that God heals the bitterness that years of terrible relationships has caused. I pray that if nothing else changes for me in my 30s, God changes my heart so that I can be genuinely happy for my friends who are reaching milestones that I thought I'd reach a long time ago. 

TGwBH 

PSA: Women aren't responsible for disrespect from men.

It's no secret that I'm single. I talk about it a lot. In person and on social media. Not on some "woe is single me" stuff but mostly speaking on the experiences that I have. In many cases, women respond with something that implies that they've dealt with a similar situation and men respond trying to defend their gender. 

In too many cases, however, there are men and women who will point the finger back at me. "You should have known better" or "I mean, what did you expect?" This is the biggest - pardon my language - bullshit that anyone could say to a single woman. All of a sudden, I'm responsible for a man's actions because I "should have known better." 

This won't be a long post because, honestly, there ain't much to say. Just stop it. Stop blaming women for the disrespect and mistreatment that men show us. Stop contributing to this idea that men never have to take responsibility for their actions. Men, stop and realize your male privilege and check it. Women, stop shaming each other for things that men do to us. None of us deserve disrespect from anyone. No matter how different your morals and beliefs are from one another. No matter how "crazy" a man says she is. No matter how much of a "hoe" you think she may be. She doesn't deserve it. No one does. 

I'm gonna call y'all on your bullshit every time I see a post like that or hear it in conversation. It's just as damaging as the women you fussed at about Gabby Douglas's hair or the ones you fuss at about body shaming or slut shaming. So, check yourself next time you decide to point the finger at a woman because a man disrespected her. 

TGwBH 

To The "Good Guy" That I Pushed Away...

I've been single for most of my adult life. So, it's fair to say that I've had my fair share of - excuse my French - f*ckboys in my day. But every now and again, I come across a really sweet gentleman who is just the perfect guy. He says all the right things, does all the right things, calls me beautiful and says more than "wyd" when he texts me. Usually these type of men come around when I'm already in some screwed up situationship and they end up being friend zoned. But, there have been a few that come at just the right time - when I'm all the way available - and I do something to screw it up. 

To the sweet guys that I've pushed away: I'm sorry. 

I, honestly, have no idea why I do or even when it begins to happen. I know that I'm shallow and spoiled. I have insecurities that often reflect on others. I can be mean sometimes. I am flawed. I am damaged. I am human. 

I was told once that I am going to have to learn to love the right guy and that it's going to take effort to unlearn all the crap that I've learned over the years about loving the effed up people of the world. 

So, to the next nice guy that I meet: I pray that God gives you patience with me. I hope that you're able to kindly tell me when I'm being a brat and gently remind me when I'm letting my insecurities show. I want to learn to love you. I'm just a work in progress.  

TGwBH