PSA: Women aren't responsible for disrespect from men.

It's no secret that I'm single. I talk about it a lot. In person and on social media. Not on some "woe is single me" stuff but mostly speaking on the experiences that I have. In many cases, women respond with something that implies that they've dealt with a similar situation and men respond trying to defend their gender. 

In too many cases, however, there are men and women who will point the finger back at me. "You should have known better" or "I mean, what did you expect?" This is the biggest - pardon my language - bullshit that anyone could say to a single woman. All of a sudden, I'm responsible for a man's actions because I "should have known better." 

This won't be a long post because, honestly, there ain't much to say. Just stop it. Stop blaming women for the disrespect and mistreatment that men show us. Stop contributing to this idea that men never have to take responsibility for their actions. Men, stop and realize your male privilege and check it. Women, stop shaming each other for things that men do to us. None of us deserve disrespect from anyone. No matter how different your morals and beliefs are from one another. No matter how "crazy" a man says she is. No matter how much of a "hoe" you think she may be. She doesn't deserve it. No one does. 

I'm gonna call y'all on your bullshit every time I see a post like that or hear it in conversation. It's just as damaging as the women you fussed at about Gabby Douglas's hair or the ones you fuss at about body shaming or slut shaming. So, check yourself next time you decide to point the finger at a woman because a man disrespected her. 

TGwBH 

Numbers on the scale DO scare me.

I went to the doctor's office once for a general check up. No specific health related reason Why I was there. My doctor was a weight loss Natzi - in a good way. She was very adamant about everyone being in a healthy weight range. I trusted her because she was a young Black woman and didn't force 135lbs on me but knew that at 301.1lbs, I needed to shed some of this excess. 

I knew "the talk" was coming when she walked into the exam room. I'd had it a hundred times before with her. But with the number 301.1 burned into my mind, I felt like she was coming to bring me news of a fatal illness. As soon as she walked into the room, I broke down and cried. I felt crazy because the woman hadn't even said anything to me yet. She barely looked me in my eyes when I began to cry. 

That was my moment. A turning point for me.  

Those of you who know me, or follow me on Instagram at the least, know that two years ago, I lost 45 lbs. It was the most weight I've ever lost. I'd given up meat, I worked out five times a week and my diet was on point! But, here I am two years later, at the back door of the 300 club. Where I said I'd never be again. Where disease and health conditions stare me in the face and heart attacks threaten me at night. My clothes don't fit anymore and I am simply uncomfortable in my body.  

So, you can imagine my disappointment after a whole week of eating better and working out heavy, I step on the scale and see +2 lbs. Before you give me the "but muscle is heavier than fat" speech or the "but you should see how your clothes fit" speech, consider where we are. I currently weigh 295.2 lbs. Again, diseases linger at this weight. Those 2 lbs mean everything to me. They are literally the difference between life and death. 

So, yes, the scale does scare me. I try my hardest not to be discouraged. But I won't act like the numbers on that scale don't mean something to me. Because they do. They represent the likelihood that I'll carry my babies full term in a healthy pregnancy. They represent the likelihood that I'll live to see my grandchildren grow up and be able to actually play with them. They represent some pretty heavy stuff for me. So please, don't dismiss my feelings about them by telling me that muscle weighs more than fat. I know my own body and I know damn well it isn't muscle that's adding those two pounds back to my life. 

Until next week's weigh-in.  

TGwBH

To The "Good Guy" That I Pushed Away...

I've been single for most of my adult life. So, it's fair to say that I've had my fair share of - excuse my French - f*ckboys in my day. But every now and again, I come across a really sweet gentleman who is just the perfect guy. He says all the right things, does all the right things, calls me beautiful and says more than "wyd" when he texts me. Usually these type of men come around when I'm already in some screwed up situationship and they end up being friend zoned. But, there have been a few that come at just the right time - when I'm all the way available - and I do something to screw it up. 

To the sweet guys that I've pushed away: I'm sorry. 

I, honestly, have no idea why I do or even when it begins to happen. I know that I'm shallow and spoiled. I have insecurities that often reflect on others. I can be mean sometimes. I am flawed. I am damaged. I am human. 

I was told once that I am going to have to learn to love the right guy and that it's going to take effort to unlearn all the crap that I've learned over the years about loving the effed up people of the world. 

So, to the next nice guy that I meet: I pray that God gives you patience with me. I hope that you're able to kindly tell me when I'm being a brat and gently remind me when I'm letting my insecurities show. I want to learn to love you. I'm just a work in progress.  

TGwBH

How to Shop Asos: 5 Tips Fat Girls Need to Know

Asos is one of my favorite places to shop online. In fact, it's where I do most of my shopping for cute basics and chic statement pieces. I only learned of Asos a few years ago when a co-worker hipped me to it. I only wish that someone would have given me tips on how to shop at this amazing online store. So, I want to share with you some things that I've learned about Asos Curve over the years.

1. Size Down. 

A dress I got a few years back on Asos. It is one of my favorites!  

It is my belief that Europeans believe that fat people in America are REALLY fat. As a result, their sizing is a bit off sometimes. I ALWAYS size down. Right now, I am between a 22 and a 24 US sizes but I have never ordered a size larger than a 20 from Asos. Well, I have but I learned my lesson rather quickly. It is best practice to take a look at the sizing guide and the measurements. 

2. Trial and Error.

Unfortunately, we can't always get the sizing right or we may over/underestimate our size. That's okay. Asos is trial and error and after a few swaps of shirts, dresses and jeans/pants, you'll get it. I promise.

This leather jacket is perfect. I wear it all through the fall season. It was pricey but worth the buy.  

Speaking of swapping - Asos does not have an exchange policy. Only a return. Therefore, if you're unsure of a size - and can afford to - it would be in your best interest to purchase more than one size and return what doesn't work. The return process is SUPER easy. Every order comes with a return form and label. You have 28 days to return something. Stick it in a box/bag and ship it back. I think the whole process took a little over a week for me. Obviously, if you can't afford to have funds tied up, this might not be the best option for you. You can read the entire return policy here.

3. Catch a Sale.

I don't think I can say this enough. Asos is expensive (for good reason, though). It is always best to catch a good sale. And they ALWAYS have good sales. Sometimes, you can catch a 70% off sale and you'll find things as cheap as $10-15. In most cases, they're cute basics are pretty cheap. Anything high-fashion is probably going to cost you closer to $100+.

4. The Rivington jeggings are phenomenal.

A pair of Rivington's I got recently. They are AMAZING.

I am a chunky girl. Ya'll know. These thighs are dimple-y and huge. These hips don't lie. So shopping for denim is always a chore for me. I typically stick to Torrid for all of my denim needs, but honestly, Torrid is way too expensive for me when I just need a pair of comfy jeans. So, I decided to try out the Rivington jeggings at Asos. 

Ya'll. 

They are phenomenal. They're soft, stretchy, and CAH-YUTE! They don't stretch out too much as the day goes on. They are a perfect. I think that every plus size woman with big ole hips, thighs, and butts should have at least two pair in her wardrobe. They're typically pretty inexpensive too. I just got a pair for about $40. 

5. Plan ahead.

While Asos is pretty good about their standard shipping (which is free when you spend over $40), I always recommend giving yourself some wiggle room. If you need a dress for a Friday night, it's probably best to order it at least a week and a half in advance. Asos does have a history of "forgetting" to dispatch items. So, you don't want to be caught with your pants down (lol) waiting on them. 

I hope these things are helpful! I get a lot of questions about Asos when I first introduce it to folks. They are a great options when you know how to shop there. So, head on over and get you some pieces! Let me know how it goes!

TGwBH

s.m.A.R.t goals

Sunday evenings are designated for setting goals. In most cases, they're related to everyday things like laundry, cleaning or packing lunch for the week. But in some cases, I actually plan out my fitness goals. This Sunday was one of those days. 

When it comes to fitness, it is important for me to write out S.M.A.R.T goals. For those of you who aren't familiar, the acronym is defined as Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals. The two hardest for me are attainable and realistic. These areas are always where I seem to go astray. I seem to set these crazy goals that even the most fit person would side eye. "Wake up at 3am every morning this week," "no eating out," "don't step on the scale." Although those things are measurable, they're pretty out of reach at this point in my life.  

It's okay for me to remember that I am easing into this things again and I'm not that slim chick from two years ago that was disciplined enough to set those kind of goals for herself.  

I used to get annoyed when my mom would call herself a realist. I always thought she was so negative. But as I got older, I understood the power of my mother's perspective on things. In situations where I'd normally stress and worry, my mom would be strategic. She had the power to see things just as they were - nothing more and nothing less. Applying this to my weight loss, I have the power to see it for what it is. Right now, I am out of shape. Nothing more and nothing less. So how do I strategically put things into place that help me move forward? Setting goals based on real things. Am I going to wake up and go to the gym every morning this week? No. I won't. But I may get up three times this week. These are realistic goals. These are attainable goals. 

S.M.A.R.T. Goals have helped me to be successful in many areas of my life but fitness is where I find them to be most important. Goal setting helps me to put a plan in action. Planning helps me to succeed. Whoever said, "failing to plan means planning to fail," was talking directly to me.  

Here we go...again. 

TGwBH  

The Diva Cup: A Review

This post is long overdue. Not because I've been meaning to write it, but because my lazy (and cheap) butt didn't have the time or courage to spend a little bit of my monthly budget on this piece of silicon that, literally, changed my life.  

For my social media friends, you guys know that I spent the week in Cabo during Easter. What you may not know is I spent most of my trip on my cycle.  

Sidebar: my mom hates the word "period." I have become a pro at code switching around her.  

Anyways, because I use an amazing period tracking app (sorry Ma), I knew that in the middle of my trip, Aunt Flo was going to visit. So, a few days before my trip, I did what I had been thinking to do for at least six months: I purchased The Diva Cup. 

Another social media fact about me: I often poll my Facebook girlfriends about women stuff. Waxing, periods, vaginas, dumb men, etc. I may have posted something related to my menstrual cycle and it started a conversation about The Diva Cup. I was so surprised to find out that many of my friends already use it...and they swear by it!  

I think that it's only right to tell my loyal readers how awesome this thing really is (y'all been riding with me hard, especially since I haven't posted in a while). 

A Few Things You Should Know:

1. You can buy it on Amazon. I think I paid about $27. Which I think is about the same as buying it from a store. Especially since I have Amazon Prime.  

2. It's going to be awkward at first. Folding a small cup and sticking it in your cooch is never something you imagine doing gracefully. It sounds and looks as awkward as it is. But, I can guarantee you will get it after the second or so try. It is VERY easy. I did not expect it to be. 

3. Reviews say it'll be messy the first time you use it but I've never had a more clean period. I have a very heavy flow and often the toilet looks like a crime scene around Day 2 or 3. But, because this thing is so easy to remove, the dump isn't messy at all. You'll def need access to a sink in order to rinse or some really good damp wipes. But it's not as messy as the reviews make it seem.  

4. There will be a liquid-like substance that sits on top of the menstrual blood. This is something that I wish someone would have told me. I wasn't ready. Apparently, it is either plasma from the separation of your menstrual blood or discharge. According to my research, as long as it isn't thick and white, smelly, or itchy, it's normal. But, I'll admit, I was a bit alarmed at first. My cup was completely full but only about a third of it was actually blood. But if what the interwebs are saying is true, the plasma and blood cells have separated in the cup and it's totally normal.   

5. If you have an abnormally heavy flow, you WILL need to change more than twice a day. My period is pretty normal. About 4-5 days with 1 or 2 heavy days. My heavy days are about a 7/8 on a scale from 1-10. I could go about 7-8 hours before I had to change. Don't believe the 12 hour hype on those heavy days.  

6. You WILL leak on the first go round. You have to get use to how to get the suction just right on this thing. If you follow the instructions, you come pretty close so you'll have minimal leakage. I realized that around Day 4, I had figured out what it feels like when the cup is opened all the way inside of me. So that was helpful. You'll figure it out but don't throw out your pads/liners just yet. 

7. You're going to strengthen those kegel muscles in no time. Your diva cup will never get stuck. You may not be able to find it immediately but you'll have to use your kegels to push that bad boy down. For those of you who may not be familiar with the anatomy of your cooch, the kegel muscles are those that support the uterus, bladder, small intestines and rectum. So just push like you're having a bowel movement and you should be able to feel it. 

Bonus: kegel exercises help strengthen those muscles and apparently make for better sex!  

8. Yes, a cup fills with blood and sits inside your vagina until you pull it out. I was talking to my mom about switching and she could not wrap her mind around the idea that this little cup fills with blood and she has to dump it out. If you weren't before, you will become one with yourself VERY quickly. But it feels great! It's very empowering because you begin to understand your body a little more and have a better idea of how much blood you actually lose during your cycle. I think it also helps us to be very aware if something is off; which is extremely important.  

All in all, I am so glad that I've made the switch. It was easy and reliable during my trip to Cabo. I wasn't worried about it, I didn't have any complaints about it, and I highly recommend every woman at least try it. It's worth the 27 dollars.  

Until next time, girls... 

TGwBH  

5 Things You Should Know About Natural Hair

Some of y'all know I don't do the natural hair community like some folks do. I'm not a "TWA" or "big chop" type of chick. This isn't a lifestyle for me. It's just a reality. My hair grows out of my head the way that it does.  

For some, however, I've been deemed all-knowing when it comes to natural hair simply because I have big curly hair. 

Im okay with it. I'll be that. 

So, here's five things I think you should know about natural hair: 

Products that work in her hair may not work in yours.

Classic question I get: "What do you put in your hair?" Which is usually followed by "because my hair is just like yours." Sub-bullet point: your hair is probably not like mine. 

Everyone has different hair. I like to think of hair as fingerprints. No matter if you have the same blood flowing through your veins, your hair has its own unique pattern and texture. 

So what does that mean?  

You have to find what works for you. I don't get annoyed by the "what do you put in your hair" question anymore because I understand and respect this process. But, I urge you, my natural hair sisters, to not expect your hair to look exactly like someone's because y'all used the same products. 

You may change your hair care regimen over time.

I started using the most basic hair care products when I first cut all of my relaxed hair off. Okay - I'll be honest. I had NO IDEA what I was doing. I was still buying and using products that worked well on my relaxed hair. Bad move.  

But the moral of my ignorance is, I had to learn. I bought so much crap. My bathroom and linen closet looked like Sally's beauty supply. I ended up throwing away half that junk when I finally realized what worked. 

Even now, seven years later, I still change up every now and again. I may have seen a blog post or a video about a product and I'll buy it and try it. If I like it, I'll stick with it. 

I feel like I went in so many different directions with this point BUT my point is I've used so many different hair care products and used so many different moisturizing and conditioning techniques that it's ridiculous. But, I think over time I've learned what the best regimen is when my hair is in a particular state (dry, breaking, straight, etc.) 

Natural hair does NOT mean healthy hair.

I can not say this enough! I can't tell you how many women I've talked to who have started a conversation with me about "going natural" and they say "yea I haven't had a relaxer in <insert number> months" but their hair is straightened, dry, breaking and really hanging on for dear life.  

Black women, natural hair, still needs loving. So, going natural and continuing to straighten your hair or neglect it will do just as much damage as that relaxer. You can still have healthy, well-maintained hair with a relaxer. 

Natural hair isn't for everyone. 

There is no such thing as a "protective style."

This actually might be my biggest natural hair pet peeve.  So I'll say one thing and leave it at that:

The only thing your hair needs protecting from...is you.  

Natural hair requires just as much maintenance as relaxed hair.  

Can all my natural hair sisters touch and agree on this? If I had a dollar for every time a Black woman used less maintenance as an excuse for growing out her relaxer, I'd be able to afford to go to the hair salon every two weeks for a wash and detangle.   

Black women. Queens. Natural hair is not less maintenance. It's more. When you have a relaxer, it's much easier to get trims and wash and sets and slap it into a ponytail when you don't feel like doing any of that. When your hair is relaxer free, you actually have to work for an even fro. A defined curl. A perfect puff. These things don't come easy! 

I have easily spent 30 or more minutes trying not to perfect a simple pony tail. Or pulled and picked my fro until it was perfectly laid to one side or haloed above my head. I have spent HOURS washing, detangled and styling my hair. Deep conditioning and twisting. Bantu knotting. Flat twisting. Braiding. 

It ain't easy being nappy. 

TGwBH

This is for the people who feel led to give single girls advice...

I realize that this may not reach as many eyes as I would hope. But, I think it is my duty as a spokeswoman for the Single Black Girl Club to make this known. 

We don't want your advice. 

I know. It may seem like we do. It may seem like we are longing for confirmation that we are ACTUALLY good people. That we aren't as screwed as our past relationships have proved. I know it may seem like we're hoping for someone to give us a formula that, if followed, will lead Prince Charming to our tower in the sky (wrong fairytale? Eh...*shrugs*). 

Here's what happens: 

We spend most of our time enjoying our single lives. Vacations, girls nights, freedom to come and go as we please. But sometimes, when we have a crappy day or when our tummy hurts, or when we find ourselves at a friend's party and we're the only ones NOT coupled up...we want to find bae. 

This doesn't mean that we're lonely or desperate or in need of your advice. It just means that we want a significant other. 

Now, I've been single for some time now. And I've had my fair share of failed relationships (or situationships - I know, I have my own issues to deal with) but one thing I learned from all of that: there is no real way to do it. So stop trying to tell us that. Stop trying to give us the handbook on dating and marriage because it doesn't exist.  

Most of us are strong women who have been through enough pain and heartache to last us a lifetime and quite honestly, throwing your advice about patience at us doesn't heal that. In fact, it makes it worse.  

So stop.  

I'm a solution-oriented person. So, here are a few things you can do instead of offer advice: 

listen. Most of the time we just need an ear. Just be attentive and caring.

understand. Or at least act like you do - even if you don't.  

suggest. Now, I don't mean this in the, "have you tried dating outside of your race" way. I mean, if you have a cute friend (that you didn't used to "talk" to) hook a sista up! Shoot. Just make sure he has his teeth and a job.  

pour a glass. Got wine? Go ahead and break out the glasses and pour up. Sometimes a good ole venting session ain't complete without a bottle (or two) of Malbec or Pinot. 

validate her. You know your girlfriend. You know she's gonna be pouring out her insecurities and probably pointing the finger of shame at herself for the many failed relationships. Help her out.  Let her know that we all make mistakes and that doesn't make her a bad person or destined to be single forever. 

be honest. After you validate her, it's okay to tell her when she's wrong. This isn't advice - this is accountability. Sometimes, we can play victim. Especially after so many failed relationships. It's okay to say, "you probably didn't have to curse out his mama at Sunday dinner" because you're probably right about that.  

Single women - especially Black single women - are tired of the "single girl" advice. Let me be honest with you. I know you think that it's the best advice you've ever given, but it doesn't work.

We're still very single.  

...and fabulous!

TGwBH