For the "tragically" single women who are still hopeful.

My sister recently got engaged. Super duper happy for her. Like, extremely happy. She's been waiting a few years for her boyfriend - now fiancé - to pop the question. So we are all very excited about the transition for her. With the recent excitement of her engagement comes the "tradgedy" of my own singleness. The story is rather familiar, right? The older sister who watches her younger sister walk down the aisle as she holds back tears and holds onto the last bit of hope that she's not destined to be the sister who never married. 

Since we're always here for transparency - the news of engagements never excite me (except my sisters. I've been waiting for this one. Dumb excited). It only reminds me that I'm still getting "wyd" text messages and flipping through middle finger pictures on Tinder. It's no secret that my dating pool is rather murky and shallow. There are about five good men left in the world and I think that they're all hiding in the North Pole somewhere with Santa Claus - ijs.  

I want to believe that I won't shrivel up and die alone but the further I go without any prospective mates, the more I'm wondering if dying alone isn't such a bad idea. I'd rather die alone than settle for a "wyd." (This is me really trying to convince myself that this is true). The fact of the matter is - we have a relatively small window of opportunity for babies. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want to be a mother more than most things. But, the opportunity is slowly passing me by. I'm praying that God doesn't let it.

While, I want to be married and have beautiful babies, I hope that God makes my path cross with a great man. A leader, a go-getter, a family man and a lover who's desire is to love how God does. I won't settle for anything less just to satisfy the craving I have for a family. I want a family but I want it the way God intended me to. 

Until then, I'll watch my sister walk down the aisle proudly; holding the train of her dress and dabbing her make up with tissue. I will celebrate her like I know she would celebrate me when it's my turn. All while praying that God heals the bitterness that years of terrible relationships has caused. I pray that if nothing else changes for me in my 30s, God changes my heart so that I can be genuinely happy for my friends who are reaching milestones that I thought I'd reach a long time ago. 

TGwBH 

PSA: Women aren't responsible for disrespect from men.

It's no secret that I'm single. I talk about it a lot. In person and on social media. Not on some "woe is single me" stuff but mostly speaking on the experiences that I have. In many cases, women respond with something that implies that they've dealt with a similar situation and men respond trying to defend their gender. 

In too many cases, however, there are men and women who will point the finger back at me. "You should have known better" or "I mean, what did you expect?" This is the biggest - pardon my language - bullshit that anyone could say to a single woman. All of a sudden, I'm responsible for a man's actions because I "should have known better." 

This won't be a long post because, honestly, there ain't much to say. Just stop it. Stop blaming women for the disrespect and mistreatment that men show us. Stop contributing to this idea that men never have to take responsibility for their actions. Men, stop and realize your male privilege and check it. Women, stop shaming each other for things that men do to us. None of us deserve disrespect from anyone. No matter how different your morals and beliefs are from one another. No matter how "crazy" a man says she is. No matter how much of a "hoe" you think she may be. She doesn't deserve it. No one does. 

I'm gonna call y'all on your bullshit every time I see a post like that or hear it in conversation. It's just as damaging as the women you fussed at about Gabby Douglas's hair or the ones you fuss at about body shaming or slut shaming. So, check yourself next time you decide to point the finger at a woman because a man disrespected her. 

TGwBH 

To The "Good Guy" That I Pushed Away...

I've been single for most of my adult life. So, it's fair to say that I've had my fair share of - excuse my French - f*ckboys in my day. But every now and again, I come across a really sweet gentleman who is just the perfect guy. He says all the right things, does all the right things, calls me beautiful and says more than "wyd" when he texts me. Usually these type of men come around when I'm already in some screwed up situationship and they end up being friend zoned. But, there have been a few that come at just the right time - when I'm all the way available - and I do something to screw it up. 

To the sweet guys that I've pushed away: I'm sorry. 

I, honestly, have no idea why I do or even when it begins to happen. I know that I'm shallow and spoiled. I have insecurities that often reflect on others. I can be mean sometimes. I am flawed. I am damaged. I am human. 

I was told once that I am going to have to learn to love the right guy and that it's going to take effort to unlearn all the crap that I've learned over the years about loving the effed up people of the world. 

So, to the next nice guy that I meet: I pray that God gives you patience with me. I hope that you're able to kindly tell me when I'm being a brat and gently remind me when I'm letting my insecurities show. I want to learn to love you. I'm just a work in progress.  

TGwBH

Rules to Dating a Millennial Woman

If you follow me on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or Twitter, it is no secret that I've recently ventured into the online dating world (again). As I attempt to navigate this sector of dating, I realize that there are some pretty common themes in my interaction with men. With that said, I just want to give a little advice to those of you who choose to pursue us Millennial woman. We're not an easy catch!  

1. Don't waste our time. 

Millennials are also known as the "microwave generation." This can be interpreted in a few different ways but my intent here is to demonstrate that we don't like to waste our time. If you're not interested in moving forward in the way that we are, don't even try to pursue anything. No, I don't want a friend. No I don't want a friend with "benefits." These standards could be exclusive to me but my point is, make sure y'all are on the same page. Ain't no use in wasting time. 

2. Make plans.  

Guy: we should meet up.  

Girl: okay! Sure!  

Guy: what do you want to do?  

Pause. This is the exciting part of dating for us. We love going on dates with guys. Especially first dates. There's so much to learn, so much to do, and we LOVE getting pretty! Be creative. Use your imagination...or google, at the least.  

3. ...and keep them.  

There is nothing worse than being stood up. I swear, there was a time where I'd been stood up by three different men in the same week. I didn't understand. Apparently I had, "I don't value my time" written across my forehead.  

If you make plans, please follow through with them. Or at least follow UP. It shows that you're responsible and you respect the other person's time. This is a simple common courtesy. 

4. Be intentional.  

This is kind of in line with #1. Have conversations in the beginning to really feel out what we want. Trust me, we're doing the same for you. With that said, a first date probably shouldn't be to a movie or a concert. Those are terrible places to get to know someone. Quite honestly, being intentional about this dating thing will almost always ensure that all of these other things fall in line. If you want to date someone, make every effort to do just that. 

Until the next dating disaster...

TGwBH  

What's this "Tinder" thing anyway?

I joined Tinder two days ago. For those of you who may be unfamiliar, check this out. 

I've tried the online dating thing. It was rather unsuccessful and became more and more disappointing as every message moved closer to "I just want to have sex with you." Needless to say, after about three months, I cancelled my subscription and just accepted that I'd be single forever (just kidding lol). 

Friday evening, my girls and I sat around having the normal girl talk and we happened to start a conversation about online dating. A friend of mine mentioned that a friend of his was currently dating someone that she met on Tinder and that it was pretty serious. 

Oh?

Didn't take long for both my best friend and I to grab our phones and download the app. Unfortunately, it is my belief that all dating apps are based solely on looks which can be dangerous at times. Don't get me wrong, looks are important. With these dating apps however, there is an unspoken "I have a hard time with relationships" in every interaction. So, unfortunately, you get the folks that prey on that. Really, they're just trying to be as smooth as possible to see how far you'll let them go.

Reason #1 why I realized the online dating thing wasn't for me. You find yourself having to sift through a ton of guys until you find one who is actually about something. About something = not just ready to spit his most recently composed pick up line but is actually interested in who you are as a person. He'll have a job, hobbies, friends, be a part of an organization other than Tinder. You just may have to kiss a few Gucci belt clad frogs before you finally reach your prince. 

I guess this is the same in real life too. You spend a lot of time dating the wrong people with hopes that you'll finally find Mr. Right amongst them all.  Well, at least Tinder provides an organized catalog of men for me to choose from -- swipe right! 😍

TGwBH

P.S. For the "be patient, it'll come" crew....click here. 😊

This is for the people who feel led to give single girls advice...

I realize that this may not reach as many eyes as I would hope. But, I think it is my duty as a spokeswoman for the Single Black Girl Club to make this known. 

We don't want your advice. 

I know. It may seem like we do. It may seem like we are longing for confirmation that we are ACTUALLY good people. That we aren't as screwed as our past relationships have proved. I know it may seem like we're hoping for someone to give us a formula that, if followed, will lead Prince Charming to our tower in the sky (wrong fairytale? Eh...*shrugs*). 

Here's what happens: 

We spend most of our time enjoying our single lives. Vacations, girls nights, freedom to come and go as we please. But sometimes, when we have a crappy day or when our tummy hurts, or when we find ourselves at a friend's party and we're the only ones NOT coupled up...we want to find bae. 

This doesn't mean that we're lonely or desperate or in need of your advice. It just means that we want a significant other. 

Now, I've been single for some time now. And I've had my fair share of failed relationships (or situationships - I know, I have my own issues to deal with) but one thing I learned from all of that: there is no real way to do it. So stop trying to tell us that. Stop trying to give us the handbook on dating and marriage because it doesn't exist.  

Most of us are strong women who have been through enough pain and heartache to last us a lifetime and quite honestly, throwing your advice about patience at us doesn't heal that. In fact, it makes it worse.  

So stop.  

I'm a solution-oriented person. So, here are a few things you can do instead of offer advice: 

listen. Most of the time we just need an ear. Just be attentive and caring.

understand. Or at least act like you do - even if you don't.  

suggest. Now, I don't mean this in the, "have you tried dating outside of your race" way. I mean, if you have a cute friend (that you didn't used to "talk" to) hook a sista up! Shoot. Just make sure he has his teeth and a job.  

pour a glass. Got wine? Go ahead and break out the glasses and pour up. Sometimes a good ole venting session ain't complete without a bottle (or two) of Malbec or Pinot. 

validate her. You know your girlfriend. You know she's gonna be pouring out her insecurities and probably pointing the finger of shame at herself for the many failed relationships. Help her out.  Let her know that we all make mistakes and that doesn't make her a bad person or destined to be single forever. 

be honest. After you validate her, it's okay to tell her when she's wrong. This isn't advice - this is accountability. Sometimes, we can play victim. Especially after so many failed relationships. It's okay to say, "you probably didn't have to curse out his mama at Sunday dinner" because you're probably right about that.  

Single women - especially Black single women - are tired of the "single girl" advice. Let me be honest with you. I know you think that it's the best advice you've ever given, but it doesn't work.

We're still very single.  

...and fabulous!

TGwBH