Rules to Dating a Millennial Woman

If you follow me on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or Twitter, it is no secret that I've recently ventured into the online dating world (again). As I attempt to navigate this sector of dating, I realize that there are some pretty common themes in my interaction with men. With that said, I just want to give a little advice to those of you who choose to pursue us Millennial woman. We're not an easy catch!  

1. Don't waste our time. 

Millennials are also known as the "microwave generation." This can be interpreted in a few different ways but my intent here is to demonstrate that we don't like to waste our time. If you're not interested in moving forward in the way that we are, don't even try to pursue anything. No, I don't want a friend. No I don't want a friend with "benefits." These standards could be exclusive to me but my point is, make sure y'all are on the same page. Ain't no use in wasting time. 

2. Make plans.  

Guy: we should meet up.  

Girl: okay! Sure!  

Guy: what do you want to do?  

Pause. This is the exciting part of dating for us. We love going on dates with guys. Especially first dates. There's so much to learn, so much to do, and we LOVE getting pretty! Be creative. Use your imagination...or google, at the least.  

3. ...and keep them.  

There is nothing worse than being stood up. I swear, there was a time where I'd been stood up by three different men in the same week. I didn't understand. Apparently I had, "I don't value my time" written across my forehead.  

If you make plans, please follow through with them. Or at least follow UP. It shows that you're responsible and you respect the other person's time. This is a simple common courtesy. 

4. Be intentional.  

This is kind of in line with #1. Have conversations in the beginning to really feel out what we want. Trust me, we're doing the same for you. With that said, a first date probably shouldn't be to a movie or a concert. Those are terrible places to get to know someone. Quite honestly, being intentional about this dating thing will almost always ensure that all of these other things fall in line. If you want to date someone, make every effort to do just that. 

Until the next dating disaster...

TGwBH  

The Diva Cup: A Review

This post is long overdue. Not because I've been meaning to write it, but because my lazy (and cheap) butt didn't have the time or courage to spend a little bit of my monthly budget on this piece of silicon that, literally, changed my life.  

For my social media friends, you guys know that I spent the week in Cabo during Easter. What you may not know is I spent most of my trip on my cycle.  

Sidebar: my mom hates the word "period." I have become a pro at code switching around her.  

Anyways, because I use an amazing period tracking app (sorry Ma), I knew that in the middle of my trip, Aunt Flo was going to visit. So, a few days before my trip, I did what I had been thinking to do for at least six months: I purchased The Diva Cup. 

Another social media fact about me: I often poll my Facebook girlfriends about women stuff. Waxing, periods, vaginas, dumb men, etc. I may have posted something related to my menstrual cycle and it started a conversation about The Diva Cup. I was so surprised to find out that many of my friends already use it...and they swear by it!  

I think that it's only right to tell my loyal readers how awesome this thing really is (y'all been riding with me hard, especially since I haven't posted in a while). 

A Few Things You Should Know:

1. You can buy it on Amazon. I think I paid about $27. Which I think is about the same as buying it from a store. Especially since I have Amazon Prime.  

2. It's going to be awkward at first. Folding a small cup and sticking it in your cooch is never something you imagine doing gracefully. It sounds and looks as awkward as it is. But, I can guarantee you will get it after the second or so try. It is VERY easy. I did not expect it to be. 

3. Reviews say it'll be messy the first time you use it but I've never had a more clean period. I have a very heavy flow and often the toilet looks like a crime scene around Day 2 or 3. But, because this thing is so easy to remove, the dump isn't messy at all. You'll def need access to a sink in order to rinse or some really good damp wipes. But it's not as messy as the reviews make it seem.  

4. There will be a liquid-like substance that sits on top of the menstrual blood. This is something that I wish someone would have told me. I wasn't ready. Apparently, it is either plasma from the separation of your menstrual blood or discharge. According to my research, as long as it isn't thick and white, smelly, or itchy, it's normal. But, I'll admit, I was a bit alarmed at first. My cup was completely full but only about a third of it was actually blood. But if what the interwebs are saying is true, the plasma and blood cells have separated in the cup and it's totally normal.   

5. If you have an abnormally heavy flow, you WILL need to change more than twice a day. My period is pretty normal. About 4-5 days with 1 or 2 heavy days. My heavy days are about a 7/8 on a scale from 1-10. I could go about 7-8 hours before I had to change. Don't believe the 12 hour hype on those heavy days.  

6. You WILL leak on the first go round. You have to get use to how to get the suction just right on this thing. If you follow the instructions, you come pretty close so you'll have minimal leakage. I realized that around Day 4, I had figured out what it feels like when the cup is opened all the way inside of me. So that was helpful. You'll figure it out but don't throw out your pads/liners just yet. 

7. You're going to strengthen those kegel muscles in no time. Your diva cup will never get stuck. You may not be able to find it immediately but you'll have to use your kegels to push that bad boy down. For those of you who may not be familiar with the anatomy of your cooch, the kegel muscles are those that support the uterus, bladder, small intestines and rectum. So just push like you're having a bowel movement and you should be able to feel it. 

Bonus: kegel exercises help strengthen those muscles and apparently make for better sex!  

8. Yes, a cup fills with blood and sits inside your vagina until you pull it out. I was talking to my mom about switching and she could not wrap her mind around the idea that this little cup fills with blood and she has to dump it out. If you weren't before, you will become one with yourself VERY quickly. But it feels great! It's very empowering because you begin to understand your body a little more and have a better idea of how much blood you actually lose during your cycle. I think it also helps us to be very aware if something is off; which is extremely important.  

All in all, I am so glad that I've made the switch. It was easy and reliable during my trip to Cabo. I wasn't worried about it, I didn't have any complaints about it, and I highly recommend every woman at least try it. It's worth the 27 dollars.  

Until next time, girls... 

TGwBH  

 

That time Gabi, Jazzy, Dani and Chrissy broke my Internet.

I was all prepared to write something else today. In fact, I was supposed to post it yesterday, but time got the best of me.  

And then, something incredible came across my Instagram timeline. 

Ebony released this month's cover and GabiFresh, Jazmine Sullivan, Danielle Brooks and Chrisette Michele were on it. And not just on it. But they were slathered across the page in different flavors of brown and I'm sure that at the moment that picture was taken the room smelled like flowers and vanilla and maybe even a hint of coconut oil.  

And then my internet broke.  

I think it was just mine. No one else's. Immediately, I began to get text messages, IG and Facebook tags. This picture was literally all up and down my timeline. And I loved every single moment of it.  

Regardless of the #teamfit movement and the countless fat shaming bullies that come along with it, representation still matters to us fat girls. The body positive movement has sort of shifted this idea that only size 2 models are acceptable. But even in that, many times the "plus" models aren't even in double digits yet. There is still work to be done. 

Before I go on, I want to address something. I've started to see many arguments against the BPM that say that body positivity is just an excuse to be fat and that we should be okay with ourselves but not with our fat bodies.  

Let me woo-sah real quick before I go on... 

There is absolutely no reason for you not to love the fat body that you're in. Love the hell out of that body. Because loving your body runs much deeper than your rolls and stretch marks. It's about being patient and kind to yourself. And those things will lead you to a healthier lifestyle - physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Back to this GabiDaniJazzyChrissy mashup on my screen.  

This is big folks. Four beautifully curved women with thighs and booties and hips and melanin in their skin. I almost wished they released this in February. With the epic Black History Month we had it would have put the icing on the cake. But I'm okay with it being the cover for Women's History Month. 'Cause all this black girl magic on my screen...I just can't. 

When I see this picture, I think about the chunky 8th grader who is struggling with herself. Struggling to have the confidence to just be; no matter what shape or size she is. And then I picture her seeing this picture on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store and just in one look is empowered to have the confidence necessary to be herself - whatever that means to her.  

When Chrisette Michele posted the picture her caption said, "Our bodies occur to other people more than they occur to us and sometimes we have to stop and sit and talk about them. " If only that were true for everyone. She goes on to say that we should just celebrate beauty and not curves. Chrissy, baby, I'm not gonna agree with you there. We should celebrate the HELL out of curves. Especially, the ones on the front cover of Ebony magazine this month! 

TGwBH

Hair Share: Wash N Go (For Real)

I remember I was going through one of my favorite hair vloggers channel on YouTube and swooning over the hairstyles she managed to do with her naturally curly mane. I was in awe. I've always been able to do my hair but sometimes I lack creativity when it comes to styling my sometimes unruly curls. 

Anyway, I stumbled on a "wash n go" tutorial. Now, for those of you who may be unfamiliar with the term, a wash n go is simply washing your hair and letting it dry in whatever state it is in without styling. This was a new term for me because it's what I've been doing since I cut all of the relaxer from my hair 7 years ago. 

So, because I was in love with this girls curls and I was curious, I clicked her wash n go tutorial and watched. To make a long story short, she wrapped each curl around her gel drenched finger until it was a perfect little coil and twenty minutes later she had a "wash n go."  

I scoffed at the video when it was done and said, "this ain't no wash n go! Who has time for that?!" I wanted to make a video that showed a true wash n go and shared some of the products that I use. That tends to be the first question I get about my hair.

So check it out and let me know what you guys think!  

TGwBH

How's 2016 going so far?

I had to ask myself this question this morning. We are 7 days into this new year and I haven't lost 100 pounds, I don't have thousands of dollars saved up and I have not received a promotion at work. What the hell is going on?!  

No, but seriously, I had a moment of reflection this morning as I opened my notes app on my phone and jotted down another lesson that I've learned this year, so far. 2016 seems to be (already) a year of growth for me. Like, growing up growth. Like "put away childish things" growth. Hard to believe that, in some ways, I'm still living like a teenager! Trust me, not an easy pill to swallow - at all. But one that needed to be ingested and digested.  

At 28 years of age, there is no reason why my bank account should EVER be in the negative. Insufficient fund fees are so 2005. Financial responsibility isn't something that I should be prioritizing at this point in my life. It should already be a thing. But - it isn't. So now, as I run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make ends meet, I'm literally digging myself out of a hole in order to begin to save and pay bills on time. How ridiculous is that? 1st lesson learned. 

As a teenager, I remember dreading the moment when my mom would knock on (or bust in) my bedroom door. I remember thinking, "ugh, I swear I don't feel like hearing her fuss about cleaning my room." Over ten years later, and I still have this feeling when I think about my apartment. My mom has been to my spot maybe four times in the two years I've lived here. Yet, I still have these feelings when I think about my apartment. Why? Because I am still living like I'm 15 years old. 

Dont get me wrong, I'm not a nasty person. I just don't like doing laundry or dishes. But who does?! Too often my bedroom closet is overflowing with laundry that needs to be washed and my kitchen sink (although the dishwasher is, literally, RIGHT THERE) needs to be emptied. There's no reason that, when it comes to cleaning, I regress to the lazy 15 year old who's okay with living in chaos. 2nd lesson learned. 

Its hard to believe that I have been out of undergrad for six years! You would think that I'd start taking my career a little more seriously, huh? Yea...no. When I came to this realization (literally, days ago), it was a rough blow to the gut. I'm almost 30 years old and I've never been promoted in any position. The heck?! 

"Bosses don't do just enough. They go beyond what is expected of them," are the words I wrote in my notes app just days ago and have been echoing in the back of my mind everyday of this week. How can anyone expect to be handed a promotion or a raise based on doing JUST their job. In order to be a boss, you've got to start thinking like one. My mom told me this and it resonates in me now more than ever. 3rd lesson learned. 

Do I say all of this to say that I'm beating myself up? Nah. I'm definitely not beating myself up. I'm just accepting what is real and true about myself. That's the only way to change anything right? We'll never lose weight if we don't first accept the fact that we NEED to, right?  

Im glad that I'm experiencing these moments of introspection and gut punches (lol). Without them, I'd remain the same. I'd be in denial for the rest of my life and end up 45 living life like I'm 21. No Bueno.  

TGwBH 

One Word Challenge

Many people who know me know that I am highly motivated by a fresh start. If I say I'm going to start something at the beginning of a week or the beginning of a month then I mean it. So, it is no surprise that New Year's Day is my favorite holiday. Every year I am refreshed an renewed at the beginning of the year and its an exciting thing to anticipate.

A friend of mine posted about this One Word Challenge on his Instagram account a few days ago. In essence, each new year, you choose 1 word to sum up your goal for the year. What I love about this is that its simple. A very streamlined version of your traditional new year's resolutions. 

I'm not one of those people who knocks anyone for setting new year's resolutions or claiming a "new year, new me" mantra. I encourage it. I know how hard setting goals and actually sticking to them is. That's why I'm all about this One Word thing. 

The ultimate goal in this challenge is to find a word that can be used to guide every decision that you make in your life. This is good stuff man! So here are the rules according to @eazydoesit3:

  1. It can only be ONE word. No more.
  2. The word must be an action verb. Yes, I know most verbs are action verbs but try to challenge yourself. Words like "live" can be too easy. Try to break down your goal to a very specific action word.
  3. Make it something that's easy to remember. Write it down somewhere visible.
  4. It should be able to be applied to several areas of your life. 

I started off with thinking about my goals for each area of my life. I want to get a promotion this year, I want to lose 50 lbs this year,  I want to travel more, I want my finances to be in order. And after I had those in my mind, I thought to myself, what is it going to take for me to get there? A plan. 

Plan.

That's my word. Plan. It can be spread out over each goal. It is absolutely an action verb that is going to require tangible evidence that I actually DID something and I can use it to guide my decision making in the new year. Its perfect for me and as soon as I came up with it, I was instantly motivated to get ish done. 

I encourage everyone to be down with the One Word Challenge. Take some time before the new year to narrow down your goals and aspirations for the new year. Let me know how it goes! In the meantime, be fabulous and have a happy new year!

TGwBH

That time I made the first move with a guy...and got rejected.

I was reminded, today, of a time (maybe about two or three years ago) when I found myself crushing on this dude - real hard. Looking at social media pictures all the time, feeling all giddy when he liked my posts, writing flirty captions. It was a mess, lol. I was crushing something serious. So, one day, I decided to step COMPLETELY outside of my box and message him. And it went a lil' something like this...

Me: Hey, I've peeped you for some time. Not sure if you're in a relationship or not (please forgive me if you are) but I would really like to get to know you. 
Him: [Ego pumped up real extra] I think you're cute but nah...
The end.

Okay, maybe he didn't say it like that, but that's what I heard, lol. He actually said something with a little more finesse than that. But that was the gist. I'll be honest, I wasn't as crushed as I expected to be. I felt more stupid than anything. Like, ugh, Firenza. You stepped outside of your box and did this completely non-traditional thing and were rejected. I thought to myself, "that'll be the last time you do that."

As small as that incident was, I wonder how much it really does limit me. I mean, imagine all of the amazing guys that may have been like, "its crazy because I've been thinking the same thing about you." The many dope conversations I could have. The great people I could meet. Rejection scares me. I think we're all afraid of it in some way. It is those people, who do not allow their fear of rejection to paralyze them, that experience life in some of the most beautiful ways. 

#LifeLessonfromDating

TGwBH

Open letter to all the Planet Fitness haters.

I have been a member of Planet Fitness for almost five years now. I have a very interesting loyalty to it, too. The purple-coated fitness playground has a special place in my heart. It was there when I first started caring about my health, it was there when I lost the most weight I've ever lost in my life and it was there to pick me back up when I fell off. So, it's safe to say that I will always have an affinity for this gym.  

However, I've heard way too many heavy lifters and fast runners talk poorly about Planet Fitness and, I'll be honest, it's frustrating. I don't think people view it this way, but it's a form of shaming. By saying, "it's not a real gym" you're telling all of the men and women who bust their butts day in and day out that they're not good enough. 

So stop.  

Get off your high horse and appreciate that those of us who'd rather be in an environment that doesn't intimidate us or who can't afford an expensive gym membership are actually trying. Regardless of what you think, we are. I haven't, yet, corrected someone who says something bad about Planet Fitness but you can be sure that I will from here on out. 

Respect other people's process. Period. 

TGwBH - protecting fat folks since 2011 😘 

Why I posted a half-naked picture of myself on Instagram.

If you follow me on IG (which you should: @thegirlwbighair)  then you may have seen the picture I posted last week of myself with no clothes on. It was a picture of my back and no private parts of my body were showing. In fact, all of what was visible is probably what someone would see on the beach in my bathing suit. 

I am super insecure about my body. But it's mine. And it's not going anywhere any time soon. I have always been told that I'm not pretty enough because of my weight. Directly and indirectly. I've been rejected by men. I've been made fun of. I've spe…

I am super insecure about my body. But it's mine. And it's not going anywhere any time soon. I have always been told that I'm not pretty enough because of my weight. Directly and indirectly. I've been rejected by men. I've been made fun of. I've spent 28 years hating who I am. But I can't do that anymore. I just can't. If you don't want me because I have a few extra minutes on my hourglass then, my friend, you are free to leave. Because hating my body ends here. Right now. As I type this. It's over. If my body (or your insecurities) make it hard for you to love me then that is your problem. Not mine. #teamfirenza

I posted it with a caption about my newfound courage to stop hating my body. And though the picture was very tastefully done, the older folks who follow me didn't take too well to it. Honestly, I don't care about that. Old folks, you don't understand millennials. I get that. One day maybe I'll post about that. But right now, I want to make sure that everyone understands the importance of that picture on Instagram. 

For as long as I can remember I've been overweight. Seriously. I don't recall a point in my life where I wasn't. With that, came a consistent reminder that I am different from my peers. My mom, who I love very dearly, is a very blunt and straightforward woman and often that wasn't received too well when it came to my weight loss. My dad wasn't really affirming either. I was teased terribly. I remember a boy in my 7th grade class called me "Triple F" for Fat, Funky Firenza in front of the whole class. 15 years later, that still makes me tear up. 

All of my life, the reality of my obesity followed me like a dark cloud. In school, at home, when I shopped in the mall and when I went out to eat at restaurants. As I got older, I began to take better care of myself and my mother (one of the most confident women I know) taught me to carry myself a certain way. So, I faked it till I made it. 

When you have hated yourself for 28 years of your life, it's hard to care about anyone's opinions when you post a simple picture like that. That picture showed parts of my body that I have despised so much that I've cried as I wore body shapers to hide it. 

But I have decided not to hate my body anymore. I won't hide it. It is what it is. So I'm going to love it. And the liberation that comes with my naked body is how I chose to announce that to the world. Doesn't matter who thought it was uncomfortable. I've always made people uncomfortable. My obesity is always uncomfortable to someone because it's undesirable. A moment of self-love is way more valuable to me than a moment of discomfort for you. 

May God free little 7th grade girls who are ashamed of their beautiful fat bodies and may they grow into beautiful healthy women who continue to encourage their peers and those who come after them to love themselves despite what people may say. 

TGwBH  

 

Y'all Know I Love Me Some Lipstick...

I don't often wear a full face of makeup. In fact, there are three things that I wear 4-5 times per week: eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. A good lipstick can turn a very drab day into a fab day! Sweats and UGGs? No problem, grab your favorite lippie and feel like a woman again! (lol - I crack myself up)

Here are some lippie looks and some tips to go along with them.  

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Pink/Purple Combo 

Pairing a light color with a dark color in the same family is a classic lip liner technique. Angle your pencil on your lip so that your line will be a little thicker and blend the lipstick my rubbing your lips together at the end. You can reapply your lipstick if you want more of the color rather than the pencil.  

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Red w/an accent

Those who know me know that Ruby Woo is my favorite color. Red lips are my go-to. I tried this because of a guy at the Mac store. Apply your lipstick without a liner. Take a darker red or Currant (shown) and color in the corners of your lips. Making sure to blend into the center of your lip. Really simple but such an awesome look!  

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Red Ombré  

Folks are scared of black liner. It's my favorite. Especially when I want to do a red ombré lip. Don't be scared of black liner. Just use it better lol. In this case, the key is to blend very well. Line your lips with a thin line of black liner then fill in your lips with your red. Smudge the red into the black by rubbing your lips together.  This may require some skill. Again, no worries, you can add more or less liner/lipstick to get the desired look. 

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Almost-Black

Another scary look for folks. Obviously, black lips are NSFW. But they can totally be done without looking super goth. I like to line my Mac Cyber with a black liner. Same deal as the red and just blend.  

I love playing around with my lipstick. Especially when I get a new color. I don't invest in liners as much as I do lipsticks but I definitely plan to make them a priority in the future. 

Whats your favorite lip/liner combo?

TGwBH  

Dear Fat Girl: You're Not Alone.

This is for all of the fat girls in the world who are stuck between loving and hating their fat bodies.  

You're not alone.  

TV will tell you that "plus size" is in when they throw a bulky sweater on a size 8 model. Every now and again we're blessed with a "real" plus size model who's really just a size 16 but still, no stomach, no back fat, no chub rub.  

They give us spanx, waist trainers, tummy control, pills, teas, motivational memes on Instagram to tell us "hey you, fat girl, something is wrong with you - change it!" As if we woke up today completely unaware that we are fat.  

If you're like me, you've experienced weight loss and weight gain. Most days you wake up and you're okay. You have a closet full of a wide range of sizes (most of which you can no longer fit). You spend about ten minutes in the morning debating whether or not you want to wear too-tight jeans or take the easy route and wear a dress. Most days, this is easy. Most days you feel great. You put your lippie on and get your day started.  

But some days, it's hard.  

You wake up and it's as if you didn't know you were fat. You wake up and look in the mirror and you're shocked and, dare I say it, disgusted with what you see. Some times you wonder what men see in you. Or if they'll ever see anything past the stomach and rolls and cellulite. You spend 30 minutes - sometimes an hour - sorting through your clothes searching for just one piece of clothing that's cute AND comfortable. You settle. You don't put any make up on and as you stand in the mirror brushing your teeth you hold back tears. Knowing that you promised yourself that you'd never get back to where you are now.  

And somehow that day you're reminded, constantly, of your fat body. The seatbelt is a little extra tight. The skinny girl who sits across from you at work calls herself fat. You have the strongest craving for pizza and ice cream knowing you shouldn't indulge. 

I get it.  

And I wish this was an inspirational article that had this amazing conclusion that you can pin up on your desk at work. 

But it's not.  

I don't have the answers. I want us to love ourselves but some days - it's hard as hell. Some days we have to post a status about how much we love our fat bodies even though we don't. Some days we have to tell ourselves we're beautiful just to convince us that we are. Some days we have to choose not to look at the mirror. We get dressed and just walk out of the door. 

So, I don't have a solution. I wish I did. I'd bottle it up and give it away for free.  

If no one tells you today, fat girl, I will - you're beautiful. Even if you don't believe that yet. You are.  

TGwBH  

Recap: Q&A w/TheFitHippiee

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Last Sunday, I decided to link up with my bestfriend, Damaris, to do a Q&A about fitness and weight loss. It went REALLY well. In fact, so well, we decided to do a Part II very soon. 

Only thing is, Google Hangout didn't want to cooperate. So, the video wasn't as great as I'd hoped. So, the replay of our hour long conversation is on soundcloud. If you missed it, check it out below! 

As promised, I want to recap some of the things that we talked about:

Sports Bras. 

Personally, I've never had an expensive sports bra. I just can't bring myself to pay 50+ dollars for something that two $15 bras from Target can do. However, for my extra juicy ladies with a lot of jiggle on top, I'm sure that the investment is worthwhile. I did some research and found this great article on Runners World. Different bras for different functions but great prices. 

Workout Routines.

Damaris suggested checking out bodybuilding.com for lifting routines and advice about lifting. We also talked about doing some research on youtube as well. There's the Fitness Blender channel on youtube that provide FREE kettlebell and other workouts.  But just like anything else, you can learn SO much about working out and fitness on youtube. I can spend HOURS on youtube. 

Running Shoes.

Running shoes are probably the single most important thing to buy if running is going to be your thing. Its crazy how much of a difference it makes. If you're in the Baltimore area, Road Runners or Charm City Run are two really good running stores. I've not had any experience with running stores in DC but I'm sure that a few exist. Check out this list on Yelp. 

iPhone Apps.

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We didn't talk about this in the Q&A but I thought it would be great to share. All of these apps function in very different ways but I use them all on a weekly basis. Fitbit, MyFitnessPal and Ptracker are all apps that I use to track daily living. PTracker, ladies, is a great way to keep track of your menstrual cycle! Couch to 5K, Nike Running, Seconds and Nike Training Club are aweseome apps to use for workout routines or tracking your workouts. Seconds is an internal timer app. Great way to time your HIIT workouts. And of course mental health is important as well. The meditations app provides guided meditations for all times of the day. All of them are free or have a free version. Check them out! 

If you didn't get a chance to catch the Q&A, check it out in your free time (or at the gym!) below!

TGwBH

Why I am proud of my PWI...and don't hate on Howard's homecoming.

Ok, now that Howard's Homecoming weekend has come to a close. I feel like I need to set the record straight. 

By now, I'm pretty sure that you all have read the article on verysmartbrothas.com, "Dear Howard Homecoming: I Hate You." If not, quick summary: people who attended Predominantly White Institutions (aka PWIs) hate on Howard homecomings because they'll never have the same experience at their own college. (Btw...I love these guys. They are HILARIOUS. Check em out when you get a chance). 

Though, I understand that this may be a popular opinion and of course it makes all my Howard U alumnus friends smile to know that they are the envy of all of their PWI friends, there isn't an ounce of hate in me for Howard University OR their homecoming.  

I'm actually pretty excited whenever I go to Howard University events and see the pride and the love they have for their university. I appreciate it. It makes me appreciate the fact that we all made it to a school and graduated. Look, mama, we made it! 

Neither my mother or my father graduated from college. I'm just glad that they both had sense enough to encourage me to go and finish. So, I didn't think twice about attending when I received my acceptance letter in the mail from my medium-sized PWI back in 2004.  

No, we don't have this big weekend for homecoming. No, our game isn't very well attended. In fact, in the ten years that I've been affiliated with my school, I can count on one hand how many football games I've been to (okay - maybe two hands but that's 'cause I love football). Many things have changed since I graduated but during my days, many of the students commuted and the weekends were a little less than exciting on our campus.  

But, it wasn't the football games or the homecoming parades that make me proud of my alma mater. It is the memories I made within the walls of my dorm rooms. Or in the social circles I created in the student union, or the BSU office or my classroom. It was the unity amongst Black people on our campus. It was collaborating with different multicultural groups to throw events. It was the high you got the day after putting on an amazing event. 

THAT is what made me proud to be an alumna of my PWI.  

When I think about my alma mater - I think of all of the relationships that spawned from my time there. Good and bad. I think of all of the amazing people that are doing amazing things in this world who have degrees from MY school. When I see bumper stickers and license plates - I get just as excited as any Howard U alumni.  

It takes a special person to walk onto a predominantly White campus, from a predominantly Black community, and excel. Where most of the time, I was the only Black person in my class - so I had to represent us all for 50 minutes.   

Hell yea I'm proud of that. And I'm proud of my brothers and sisters who attended HBCUs. I'm proud of us all. We did it.

And continue to do it. #educatedandBlack 

TGwBH

5 Things You Should Know About Natural Hair

Some of y'all know I don't do the natural hair community like some folks do. I'm not a "TWA" or "big chop" type of chick. This isn't a lifestyle for me. It's just a reality. My hair grows out of my head the way that it does.  

For some, however, I've been deemed all-knowing when it comes to natural hair simply because I have big curly hair. 

Im okay with it. I'll be that. 

So, here's five things I think you should know about natural hair: 

Products that work in her hair may not work in yours.

Classic question I get: "What do you put in your hair?" Which is usually followed by "because my hair is just like yours." Sub-bullet point: your hair is probably not like mine. 

Everyone has different hair. I like to think of hair as fingerprints. No matter if you have the same blood flowing through your veins, your hair has its own unique pattern and texture. 

So what does that mean?  

You have to find what works for you. I don't get annoyed by the "what do you put in your hair" question anymore because I understand and respect this process. But, I urge you, my natural hair sisters, to not expect your hair to look exactly like someone's because y'all used the same products. 

You may change your hair care regimen over time.

I started using the most basic hair care products when I first cut all of my relaxed hair off. Okay - I'll be honest. I had NO IDEA what I was doing. I was still buying and using products that worked well on my relaxed hair. Bad move.  

But the moral of my ignorance is, I had to learn. I bought so much crap. My bathroom and linen closet looked like Sally's beauty supply. I ended up throwing away half that junk when I finally realized what worked. 

Even now, seven years later, I still change up every now and again. I may have seen a blog post or a video about a product and I'll buy it and try it. If I like it, I'll stick with it. 

I feel like I went in so many different directions with this point BUT my point is I've used so many different hair care products and used so many different moisturizing and conditioning techniques that it's ridiculous. But, I think over time I've learned what the best regimen is when my hair is in a particular state (dry, breaking, straight, etc.) 

Natural hair does NOT mean healthy hair.

I can not say this enough! I can't tell you how many women I've talked to who have started a conversation with me about "going natural" and they say "yea I haven't had a relaxer in <insert number> months" but their hair is straightened, dry, breaking and really hanging on for dear life.  

Black women, natural hair, still needs loving. So, going natural and continuing to straighten your hair or neglect it will do just as much damage as that relaxer. You can still have healthy, well-maintained hair with a relaxer. 

Natural hair isn't for everyone. 

There is no such thing as a "protective style."

This actually might be my biggest natural hair pet peeve.  So I'll say one thing and leave it at that:

The only thing your hair needs protecting from...is you.  

Natural hair requires just as much maintenance as relaxed hair.  

Can all my natural hair sisters touch and agree on this? If I had a dollar for every time a Black woman used less maintenance as an excuse for growing out her relaxer, I'd be able to afford to go to the hair salon every two weeks for a wash and detangle.   

Black women. Queens. Natural hair is not less maintenance. It's more. When you have a relaxer, it's much easier to get trims and wash and sets and slap it into a ponytail when you don't feel like doing any of that. When your hair is relaxer free, you actually have to work for an even fro. A defined curl. A perfect puff. These things don't come easy! 

I have easily spent 30 or more minutes trying not to perfect a simple pony tail. Or pulled and picked my fro until it was perfectly laid to one side or haloed above my head. I have spent HOURS washing, detangled and styling my hair. Deep conditioning and twisting. Bantu knotting. Flat twisting. Braiding. 

It ain't easy being nappy. 

TGwBH

 

 

 

 

What's this "Tinder" thing anyway?

I joined Tinder two days ago. For those of you who may be unfamiliar, check this out. 

I've tried the online dating thing. It was rather unsuccessful and became more and more disappointing as every message moved closer to "I just want to have sex with you." Needless to say, after about three months, I cancelled my subscription and just accepted that I'd be single forever (just kidding lol). 

Friday evening, my girls and I sat around having the normal girl talk and we happened to start a conversation about online dating. A friend of mine mentioned that a friend of his was currently dating someone that she met on Tinder and that it was pretty serious. 

Oh?

Didn't take long for both my best friend and I to grab our phones and download the app. Unfortunately, it is my belief that all dating apps are based solely on looks which can be dangerous at times. Don't get me wrong, looks are important. With these dating apps however, there is an unspoken "I have a hard time with relationships" in every interaction. So, unfortunately, you get the folks that prey on that. Really, they're just trying to be as smooth as possible to see how far you'll let them go.

Reason #1 why I realized the online dating thing wasn't for me. You find yourself having to sift through a ton of guys until you find one who is actually about something. About something = not just ready to spit his most recently composed pick up line but is actually interested in who you are as a person. He'll have a job, hobbies, friends, be a part of an organization other than Tinder. You just may have to kiss a few Gucci belt clad frogs before you finally reach your prince. 

I guess this is the same in real life too. You spend a lot of time dating the wrong people with hopes that you'll finally find Mr. Right amongst them all.  Well, at least Tinder provides an organized catalog of men for me to choose from -- swipe right! 😍

TGwBH

P.S. For the "be patient, it'll come" crew....click here. 😊

This is for the people who feel led to give single girls advice...

I realize that this may not reach as many eyes as I would hope. But, I think it is my duty as a spokeswoman for the Single Black Girl Club to make this known. 

We don't want your advice. 

I know. It may seem like we do. It may seem like we are longing for confirmation that we are ACTUALLY good people. That we aren't as screwed as our past relationships have proved. I know it may seem like we're hoping for someone to give us a formula that, if followed, will lead Prince Charming to our tower in the sky (wrong fairytale? Eh...*shrugs*). 

Here's what happens: 

We spend most of our time enjoying our single lives. Vacations, girls nights, freedom to come and go as we please. But sometimes, when we have a crappy day or when our tummy hurts, or when we find ourselves at a friend's party and we're the only ones NOT coupled up...we want to find bae. 

This doesn't mean that we're lonely or desperate or in need of your advice. It just means that we want a significant other. 

Now, I've been single for some time now. And I've had my fair share of failed relationships (or situationships - I know, I have my own issues to deal with) but one thing I learned from all of that: there is no real way to do it. So stop trying to tell us that. Stop trying to give us the handbook on dating and marriage because it doesn't exist.  

Most of us are strong women who have been through enough pain and heartache to last us a lifetime and quite honestly, throwing your advice about patience at us doesn't heal that. In fact, it makes it worse.  

So stop.  

I'm a solution-oriented person. So, here are a few things you can do instead of offer advice: 

listen. Most of the time we just need an ear. Just be attentive and caring.

understand. Or at least act like you do - even if you don't.  

suggest. Now, I don't mean this in the, "have you tried dating outside of your race" way. I mean, if you have a cute friend (that you didn't used to "talk" to) hook a sista up! Shoot. Just make sure he has his teeth and a job.  

pour a glass. Got wine? Go ahead and break out the glasses and pour up. Sometimes a good ole venting session ain't complete without a bottle (or two) of Malbec or Pinot. 

validate her. You know your girlfriend. You know she's gonna be pouring out her insecurities and probably pointing the finger of shame at herself for the many failed relationships. Help her out.  Let her know that we all make mistakes and that doesn't make her a bad person or destined to be single forever. 

be honest. After you validate her, it's okay to tell her when she's wrong. This isn't advice - this is accountability. Sometimes, we can play victim. Especially after so many failed relationships. It's okay to say, "you probably didn't have to curse out his mama at Sunday dinner" because you're probably right about that.  

Single women - especially Black single women - are tired of the "single girl" advice. Let me be honest with you. I know you think that it's the best advice you've ever given, but it doesn't work.

We're still very single.  

...and fabulous!

TGwBH

Hair Share: Twist Out Edition

I always get the question "what do you do to your hair?" It's probably one of the most common hair questions I get asked. Right after, "what do you put in your hair?"  

Honestly, it used to frustrate me. Mostly because hair care is about what works for YOU. But then I realized that it's all about learning and part of that process may be trying products that have worked for others. 

anyways....

I don't get annoyed anymore, lol. With that said, I wanted to post my first Hair Share video. I don't want to call them tutorials because I don't want ya'll claiming that I told y'all to do something that didn't work (lol). So I'll just share with you the way I do it in hopes that it'll work the same for you! 

A simple twist out. Pretty basic. I love doing twist outs on dry hair. I think it makes my hair  look more full. I also don't always do them on freshly washed hair. So this video is showing you what I do when I'm being lazy but still want to be cute. 

image.jpg

TGwBH