Surgery Day!

So, technically, right now I’m 2 days post op but there was so much going on, on surgery day that I honestly just didn’t have time to write anything. However, I thought I’d still talk about the day.

My surgery was scheduled at 2pm. I arrived at the hospital about 45 minutes before 12 for registration and to pre-op. Unfortunately, my doctor was in another surgery that was running over so I didn’t actually go into surgery until closer to 5 I think.

Something I haven’t mentioned up until this point: my surgery was not just the sleeve, I was also going in for hiatal hernia repair and an EGD. Ultimately, I had a hernia that was caused by reflux over the years and he needed to repair that and make sure that everything was good in my esophagus. This is important to know because it explains why my hospital stay was inpatient versus outpatient.

My surgery went perfect. I learned this via my mom who heard it directly from my surgeon. Lost less than an ounce of blood. It couldn’t have gone better. When I came to after anesthesia, the post op nurses made me get up almost immediately to go to the bathroom, but I didn’t have to go. I just wanted to continue to lay there. They practically carried me to the toilet lol. I remember getting back in the bed and then taking me up to my room but I don’t really remember much about that until I started to wake up more in my hospital room. I checked my phone for any texts, tried to text folks back and then I went back out.

The thing about this surgery, those nurses try to get you up almost immediately. They do not want you to rest lol. So, by 11pm my nurses was like “you have to walk the unit.” I’m still pretty out of it at this point but a little more awake. I made it maybe 30 yards down the hallway before I felt like I was going to pass out. I went pale and everything. They sat me down immediately and took my blood pressure and made me go lay down again.

Throughout the night, they kept scanning my bladder because I wasn’t peeing. They were pumping me FULL of fluids but I was emptying. So they were concerned. Finally the nurse said she’d have to put a catheter in me and my body must have been like “oh hell nah” because immediately I was peeing normal. Lol.

Around 5am, I woke up on my own and felt fully awake. I walked out to the nurses station and told her I would take a lap (which I did) and it took a lot out of me. I had to walk really slow and I think because of the hiatal hernia repair, it made it a little difficult to breathe (especially with a mask on). Came back and they were transitioning me from the bed to chair. I told you, they want to get you UP.

At 6am, my nurse brought me a bunch of tiny cups, and a can of Gatorade (in retrospect, I don’t know if this made the most sense but I’ll get to that in a second) and a sheet that helps me mark off my fluid intake. The tiny cups are legit only 1oz and you’re supposed to sip it slow. That Gatorade was like a thanksgiving meal, y’all. I was so grateful to have it. My lips up until that point were white and literally crusted.

So, from 6am on, I was only drinking Gatorade by the ounce, peeing perfectly and just chillin until my doctor came in. Checked my incisions and said they looked great. But they took my vitals and my blood sugar was sky high. It had hit 253 at one point and they could not get it to go down. They gave me three shots of insulin (not all at the same time of course) and some more fluids. My CO2 levels were also pretty low. So they were hoping that would fix it too. My blood sugar was high because I was drinking Gatorade only. At this point they had not given me any water. But they finally brought me some and I decided on my own to start to sip that instead.

My blood sugar went down immediately. They gave me the last shot of insulin and discharged me. It was 6pm. I was tired and I wanted to be in my own bed.

In terms of pain, I’m not in much pain. It is more of a pressure right now. I think they gave me a local anesthetic because my stomach has been numb to the touch (though I still feel pain inside). That will hopefully go away in the next couple of days. Which is good because I have to inject a shot in my stomach everyday and that makes it easy for me to do lol. However, the pain is pretty minimal other than the severe gas you will have. I feel it all the way in my shoulder. It’s so bad but getting up to walk really does help with that.

Speaking of medicine, I’m only taking about 4 pills a day and if my brain could retain those names, I would list them here. But I’m currently writing this from bed at 4:33am because my pain meds wore off and I woke up out of my sleep lol.

I will leave my thoughts on my hospital stay to an Instagram story rant because I really don’t have the energy to type all of that out. So if you don’t follow me there, make sure you do!

-F

Weight Loss Surgery and Fatphobia

I started to write a post about all of the comments I’ve gotten on social media since deciding to share this journey. And how all of those comments have made it exhausting to have to confront my own internalized fatphobia while also challenging everyone else’s.

But I’ve decided I’d like to focus on my own internalized fatphobia.

A while ago I saw a tiktoker who said that anyone who is actively trying to lose weight is fatphobic. And honestly, I had to chew on that for a second. It was such a sweeping statement that it definitely slapped me in the face when she said it but as I took a second to process it, I realized that fatphobia is not that simple. There is nuance there. And mostly because not everyone wants to loose weight because they don’t want to be fat. A lot of people do it because of health reasons. This does not mean that all fat people are unhealthy (see? nuance.). I can understand how fatphobia comes into play when people are actively trying to lose weight because they don’t want to be fat and think that they are less of a person when they are bigger.

Enter my own internalized fatphobia.

I have been fat for as long as I can remember. I was always teased in grade school. I was always the fat friend in college. And now I’m the fat woman who is fetishized but rarely loved out loud. It’s exhausting. I am uncomfortable (sometimes actually in pain) in almost every seat in public, I have pretty bad anxiety when I’m traveling by plane, I shop mostly online because like…where do the trendy fat people shop in person? This world isn’t made for fat people. At all. Who wants to be a part of that? And when you spend most of your life being told that you ARE ugly and less of a person when you’re fat, it’s really hard to condition yourself to believe anything else. Especially when many of your first bullies were at home.

Quick note: if you’re a fat person who has never dealt with self esteem issues, or feeling ugly or who claims the bullying and insults never effected you, this isn’t your conversation boo.

I am getting weightloss surgery because I physically do not feel comfortable anymore. Not like I don’t feel comfortable as a fat woman, no. But literally, my body feels like it’s stuffed and I think that’s because I’ve reached a point where my frame can not handle the amount of weight it is carrying. Which is evidenced by my left knee that aches every time I climb stairs, or my back that hurts if I stand for longer than 10 minutes at a time. I’ve also just recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Which is directly associated with the amount of fat that I have on my body.

But being able to shop in any store, sit in any chair, and not have anxiety when flying ain’t gonna be so bad.

I don’t hate being fat. I hate that the world I live in makes it so uncomfortable for fat people to exist.

I recognize that none of these are linear thoughts. This post feels a bit all over the place but that’s because so are my emotions around this surgery. I’m not going to be skinny after it. But I will be significantly smaller than I am now. Which is going to be life changing for me. And that brings up a lot of feels.

At any rate, here’s the update:

Surgery is in 4 days. So it’s been 17 days without food. As of yesterday, I lost 21.5lbs since I started fasting. I was 307.8lbs yesterday. I can start to see it and so can other people. My dad said to me yesterday that he eventually won’t be able to recognize me lol. I’m ready for this to be over tbh. I’m tired of being in a constant state of hunger. Post surgery, I’ll have another 3 weeks of liquids and then I’ll be able to introduce (puréed) food again.

Send prayers and good vibes before this surgery.

-F

Blah…

It’s Day 8 and I’m feeling…ok, I guess. I’m used to not eating now. I still get hungry but not having food isn’t as distracting as before.

I had my preop appt today. Which was honestly kind of discouraging. My surgeon is kind of a jerk. He’s not warm at all. He has this very direct and harsh tone. It’s a bit off putting. He told me that I would only lose 70lbs after surgery unless I exercise (of course I’m going to exercise…that’s the whole point, I’m trying to get this weight off so exercising feels better). He told me all carbs are bad and that if I ate them post-surgery I wasn’t going to lose any weight.

It was just not the visit I was hoping for.

I know the truth about weight loss. But hearing these things from a doctor without any context or color to what he was saying was a bit disheartening.

One thing is for sure and two things are for certain: I WILL lose more than 70lbs. So, take that Dr. Greene! Watch me work.

-F

Before Pics

We are on Day 5 of the liquid diet and I can honestly say that things have gotten 100% better. My energy is not as low (still have to take breaks during the day though), I’m not as distracted by the hunger, and I’ve kinda gotten in a groove with the drinks.

I’ve been weighing myself everyday. Not for any reason really but just to be in awe of how quickly your body burns fat when you are in an extreme calorie deficit. So far, I’m down about 8lbs since Friday of last week. I’ve noticed that my once very tight waist beads are falling a little below my belly button now. I’m still pretty low energy if I don’t stick to my feeding schedule (yes, I feel like a damn baby with how often I need to eat lol) but my energy is definitely not as low as when I first started.

I’ve got a pre-op appointment this week that I’m excited about. I dream about walking into that appointment and him saying “oh Miss Walker, I’m so sorry, we made a mistake! You can actually eat real food during this time - you don’t have to fast.” I know that’s not gonna happen but a girl can dream! Lol. Anyway, I’m making a list of questions to ask at that appointment and looking forward to it.

I never took “before” pictures - I don’t know why, though. I guess I’m just not really all that excited at this time. I’m just really focused on not giving into the perpetual hunger that I feel. But, yesterday, I took a few and despite the fact that I’m in my underwear…I’m going to share them here.

I just don’t want y’all to see how awkward my damn face was lmao.

There you have it. The last time Firenza will be 300+ anything. I promise to myself that I will never let my weight impact my health ever again.

17 more days

-F

Day 2

Today was rough.

I’ve talked to a friend who recently had the same surgery and her liver reduction diet still included food and it was only 2 weeks. I’ve googled “liquid diets before surgery” and most of them only start 2 weeks before surgery and many of them do include food still. It’s really the surgeons preference and I trust the doctors at MD Bariatrics (I think 🥹).

If I’m being honest, reading all of that is a bit discouraging. I struggle HARD with restrictive diets but I have never had a time where I wasn’t allowed to eat any food at all. And this honestly doesn’t feel worth it. It feels cruel. It feels like torture.

I’ve had a headache all day. I’ve hit all of my targets for the day and I still have a headache. I spent a good twenty minutes sobbing to myself because I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through three weeks of this. Hell, I’m crying as I type this because May 20th feels so far away.

Silver lining: I tried the popsicles for the first time today. It’s been too cold to eat them lately. They’re amazing though. Forgot how bomb popsicles are when the flavor is good lol. Anyways. Those are something to look forward to.

I contemplated eating like a slice of deli meat today. What can it harm? No way my liver is gonna stay fatty and large over ONE slice of turkey meat. But, I kept reminding myself that the challenge here is mental. Yes, I’m hungry af but I am learning to have discipline through this 3 week process. It’s all preparation for the post-op life.

It’s temporary.
It’s temporary.
It’s temporary.

But it’s miserable right now.

-F

Liquid Diet: Day 1

So, this liquid diet starts today. I can’t eat ANY solid foods, otherwise my surgery will be cancelled. Guess that means I ain’t eating no solid foods then! I am only allowed to drink G2 Gatorade, protein shakes (literally water and powder or the ready to drink ones), chicken broth, sugar free jello and popsicles.

That’s it.

So far so good. My stomach hasn’t growled one time. I am craving a lot of stuff though. I’m not really a sweets person so when I crave things it’s like burgers and steak. Sooooo…that’s problematic but here we are.

I have to get at least 70g of protein in everyday and no more than 50g of carbs everyday. So, in order to do that, I’m eating (read: drinking) every hour. Here’s my schedule:

I had to make some adjustments because my protein shakes have a lot of protein per shake. And I have to make room for the other things that have protein in them (e.g. chicken broth - I NEEDS my savory). Im also trying to make sure i’m alternating between solids and liquids as much as possible so I can give myself something to chew on.

They’re saying that it should take my body 3-5 days to adjust to this. Today isn’t too bad but I’ll let y’all know how tomorrow and Sunday go.

-F

Before the Countdown

I’m about 26 days away from my surgery. I started this process back in July of 2021. My mom recommended Maryland Bariatrics to me as the provider she was considering. She ended up not moving forward because she lost the weight naturally. But it started with me signing up for their mandatory introductory class. It was virtual so it was pretty convenient to attend.

From there, I had an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Greene. If you look up MD Bariatrics, you’ll see that both surgeons are Dr. Greene. It’s because they’re brothers. I think the younger one goes by Dr. Joe. At any rate, I met with Dr. Greene for my initial appointment and he asked a few questions and explained which surgery he recommended based on my medical history, current weight and what I was hoping to see post surgery. At that point, I received my Care Plan which is ultimately a list of everything you need to do to get approved for surgery and the referrals to start getting everything done.

Be aware that you may actually have to pay some stuff out of pocket during this time. For example, MDB has a fee for the services they provide during the approval process. It was like 300 something bucks. I also had to pay for the sleep study (still not sure why, I might have to follow up with Cigna about that). And of course you’re gonna be paying copays for all the visits that you are required to do. I just made sure I had enough on my flexspend card going into the new year.

The worst part about all of the requirements for approval was the sleep study. I might write a whole blog about that. I had never had one done and it was the literal worst. Thankfully, I don’t have sleep apnea.

So, now here we are. Weeks before my surgery. I am required to start a liquid diet on Friday of next week. No, this does not mean I can just liquify all of my foods and eat them lol. It means that I can drink water, protein shakes, Gatorade, and drink chicken broth when I’m feeling like I want a steak. This will last for three weeks. I’m really nervous about this because I’m afraid my mood is going to be impacted heavily. They say it takes your body about four days to get used to it. All I’m saying is, don’t nobody invite me out nowhere for the next three weeks cause I’m not going!

Y’all wish me luck.

-F

Firenza 3.4

Man. I went through all of my old posts on this blog and cried and laughed. I reminisced, I was proud, I was sad, I cringed some. So many emotions sifting through these posts from 6-7 years ago. Overall, I’m proud of 27/28 year old Firenza and even more proud to see where she led 34 year old me.

And even as I have to zoom in to type this (my eyes are getting so much worse in my 30s…it’s wild), I still feel very connected to the 20s Firenza.

So, just to catch y’all up:

I been working. I’ve been in the ed tech field for about 7 years now. I worked my way up to Director - which was a really interesting reflection as I read 28 year old me write about not ever being promoted at work. I love my job. I love the people I work with and I am proud of where I am in my career.

I loc’d my hair. Now the OG followers know me as The Girl w/Big Hair and if you would have asked the old me if I would ever loc my hair, I’d probably say no. But here I am, 1 year and 3 months into this loc journey and lovin’ it!

A couple of weeks ago.

I bought a house. This was never something I thought I’d ever be able to do. I used to jokingly say to people “I already have a house, it’s called student loans.” So I say to any one wanting to buy and not thinking that they can, if I can do it, I promise you, you can too.

Still surreal that this actually happened but I was so happy this day!

I grew my little family. No, I don’t have kids yet, lol. I got a puppy last year. Her name is KeKe and she’s my girl. Ritz, my 10-year old Shihtzu, is still around although a bit older, and more surly and, unfortunately, blind now. We’re just living our best lives in our new home.

KeKe snoozing where she ain’t ‘sposed to be snoozing…

I found an amazing man. April 2021 was euphoric and so were the four months that followed it.

I went through a break up. October 2021 was a dark, dark time. The holidays are a terrible time to experience a break up. I had to nurse myself through some pretty traumatic stuff. But I did. And I’m better. Shout out to my tribe who picked up the pieces and held them while I tried to put myself back together.

Which leads me to my final update and the reason I’m resurrecting this blog:

I’m having bariatric surgery. Whew. It’s wild even typing those words out. I remember starting to look into it back when I was blogging here heavy. But, candidly, I was a bit intimidated by what it took to actually start the process. The insurance companies aren’t always forthcoming with information, finding a surgeon you trust is hard, and all of the opinions on the internet about weight loss surgery can be daunting.

Let me say, there is nothing to be ashamed about if you want, are planning to get, or have had bariatric surgery.

Alright, now that that’s out of the way, I plan to blog about my experience. I am about 4 weeks away from surgery and have already started the prep with my diet. Here, I plan to talk about what led me here and all of the requirements my insurance has, how I found my surgeon (spoiler alert: it was a recommendation), and what the journey from here looks like. If you are someone who is going through the process or looking to have the surgery and want a real and honest experience to follow - stay tuned!

-F

Catching Up

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote but it’s been on my heart lately. So, let’s catch up... 

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know that I’ve recently ventured into the world of makeup. I started a YouTube channel, and I started accepting clients. It has been a journey! I’ve had a few moments where I was discouraged, scared and ready to just give it up. 

Youtubing is EXHAUSTING.  

I’ve been on this emotional roller coaster before. This blog has been one of those humps. “I don’t have time to sit down and write.” “Editing takes SO much time.” “No one is reading my blog!” Hence the reason why I’ve not posted a blog post since April. Why waste my time? 

The thing I’ve had to remind myself of most recently is that I created this blog for ME. Not to have followers. Same goes for my YouTube channel. I created it to help folks who want to start using makeup get started. Not for a million followers. It’s about the content - not about the subscribers (I love my subbies though! xoxo). 

Keep creating content - and be genuine about it. And the following will come. Focus on your why.  

Going into the new year with confidence in my skills and the determination to be more consistent.  

Love yall!  

TGwBH 

30 Before 30

1987. Hard to believe that this was 30 years ago. In my mind, the 90s are still 10 years ago. I still remember my 21st birthday. I had a huge 90s party complete with ring pops and fruit roll ups. I still lived at home and was a senior (for the first time) at Towson. It was a good time. But, alas, we are at another milestone. Another chapter in the book of life. 

This year, I'll be 30. 

Despite the popular opinion that getting older is terribly depressing - I am incredbly excited for this next transition.  

Transition. That's a good word for it. I will walk into decade number 3 expecting that it will be filled with growth, opportunity and peace. Yes, peace. Peace about decisions I've made that have positioned me where I am. Peace about the fact that my love story, or lack thereof, isn't what I anticipated. Peace about my career and the fact that I'm not making 6 figures like I thought I would when I was 16 (lol). 

Someone told me that when you turn 30, something just clicks and you lose all of the effs that you had in your 20s and you FINALLY start living freely. I'm sure that this person didn't intend for it to sound so easy but I'm REALLY excited about this. I told someone this weekend that I feel like with just three months away, I'm already feeling my lack of effs, lol. 

At any rate, I started a 30 before 30 list right after turned 28. Unfortunately, I didn't make it past four or five things (it's much harder than you think). But, the four things that I remember putting on the list were:

1. Drive cross country  

2. Start a blog

3. Lose 100 pounds 

4. Get a promotion  

I didn't realize until the beginning of this year that I had actually accomplished 3/4 things that I put on that list. All before I turned 30. It was so inspiring. It proves that there is so much power in your words. I'm grateful that I remembered those four things. Grateful that I accomplished most and even grateful that the 100 pounds doesn't feel totally impossible. 

My goal for the next three months is to try to add some more things to that list and get them done before June. If you haven't yet turned 30, try making a 30 before 30 list. Doesn't have to actually be 30 things. It can be a 5 before 30, lol. Or even a 1 before 30. Sometimes that 1 thing can feel as big as 30. I pray that no matter what year you're going into in 2017, that it be the best year you've ever had. I pray that with your words, you are an inspiration to yourself and others. Here's to writing a vision and making it plain! 

 "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world." -John Keating

TGwBH 

#SelfCareEveryday

I came across an article on Facebook earlier this week that talked about some things that people can do for self-care besides getting a mani-pedi. Now, I love mani-pedis so when I saw this article, I was intrigued. Self-care WITHOUT mani-pedis?

Whet?!? 

But after reading the article, I thought, hmmm, I guess I have some self-care strategies that are more than physical, too! So I wanted to share those with you all. Make sure you subscribe to my youtube channel and follow me on instagram! 

xoxo

TGwBH 

When your Black doesn't feel so magical.

In the midst of such a huge social media era, it's really hard to find people who don't share at least small pieces of their lives on the Internet. Especially the important stuff. With the help of Facebook and Instagram, we are always up-to-date when someone buys a house, gets engaged, gets married, moves across the world, travels, graduates, or has a baby. I'm Black and I've pretty much only ever lived in all Black communities so the majority of the folks on my timeline are Black.  So with every accomplishment comes the "Black Magic" tag.  

Don't get me wrong, I am the first to admit that Black people are absolutely magical. From the melanin in our skin that makes us all shades of brown and the kink in our hair that gives us versatility in style to the way we travail in work environments filled with microaggression and start successful businesses. We are absolutely magical. From the rooter to the tooter. 

But what happens when your Black doesn't feel so magical? How do you cope with that? How do you fight through that? In a moment of sheer transparency, I often struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough. Or even good at all. And so, in those moments when you want to stand in your magical Blackness, you feel like your light is a bit dimmed and no one can see it. Not even you.  

I want to blame the "Black Elites." Y'all know, the ones that ask you "so what do you do?" in the first five minutes of meeting you and if you don't have a legitimate answer, judgment washes over their faces. Those. I want to blame them. I want to say they created this idea that we all need to be magical the same way. All of our lights need to shine a sillhoutte of a Howard U logo. And we all should be featured in Forbes 30 under 30. 

But, the bottom line is, only we are responsible for our definition of success. Nobody creates that for us. Because your success is what makes you happy and no one can tell you what makes you happy. Period. The beautiful thing about Blackness is that it comes packaged in so many different ways. We'd be doing each other a disservice if we all defined success the same way. We come equipped with so much creativity and talent that we'd not get the truth of "black magic" without us all having our own definition of what it means to be successful. 

So, shout out to the Howard U grad who just made Forbes 30 under 30. Shout out to the community college grad who just landed his first job without a hair net. Shout out to the waitress who volunteers at the Y on the weekends. Shout out to the grandfather who will probably never have enough money to retire but goes to work with a smile on his face everyday. Shout out to the college students, the folks who decided not to go to college, the doctors, the lawyers, the janitors, ball players, singers, poets and the unemployed.  

Even if your magic doesn't look like what you've been told it should - please know that you still have magic in you. It's still there. The fact that yours doesn't emulate anyone else's is the truth of Black Magic.  

TGwBH  

For the "tragically" single women who are still hopeful.

My sister recently got engaged. Super duper happy for her. Like, extremely happy. She's been waiting a few years for her boyfriend - now fiancé - to pop the question. So we are all very excited about the transition for her. With the recent excitement of her engagement comes the "tradgedy" of my own singleness. The story is rather familiar, right? The older sister who watches her younger sister walk down the aisle as she holds back tears and holds onto the last bit of hope that she's not destined to be the sister who never married. 

Since we're always here for transparency - the news of engagements never excite me (except my sisters. I've been waiting for this one. Dumb excited). It only reminds me that I'm still getting "wyd" text messages and flipping through middle finger pictures on Tinder. It's no secret that my dating pool is rather murky and shallow. There are about five good men left in the world and I think that they're all hiding in the North Pole somewhere with Santa Claus - ijs.  

I want to believe that I won't shrivel up and die alone but the further I go without any prospective mates, the more I'm wondering if dying alone isn't such a bad idea. I'd rather die alone than settle for a "wyd." (This is me really trying to convince myself that this is true). The fact of the matter is - we have a relatively small window of opportunity for babies. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want to be a mother more than most things. But, the opportunity is slowly passing me by. I'm praying that God doesn't let it.

While, I want to be married and have beautiful babies, I hope that God makes my path cross with a great man. A leader, a go-getter, a family man and a lover who's desire is to love how God does. I won't settle for anything less just to satisfy the craving I have for a family. I want a family but I want it the way God intended me to. 

Until then, I'll watch my sister walk down the aisle proudly; holding the train of her dress and dabbing her make up with tissue. I will celebrate her like I know she would celebrate me when it's my turn. All while praying that God heals the bitterness that years of terrible relationships has caused. I pray that if nothing else changes for me in my 30s, God changes my heart so that I can be genuinely happy for my friends who are reaching milestones that I thought I'd reach a long time ago. 

TGwBH 

PSA: Women aren't responsible for disrespect from men.

It's no secret that I'm single. I talk about it a lot. In person and on social media. Not on some "woe is single me" stuff but mostly speaking on the experiences that I have. In many cases, women respond with something that implies that they've dealt with a similar situation and men respond trying to defend their gender. 

In too many cases, however, there are men and women who will point the finger back at me. "You should have known better" or "I mean, what did you expect?" This is the biggest - pardon my language - bullshit that anyone could say to a single woman. All of a sudden, I'm responsible for a man's actions because I "should have known better." 

This won't be a long post because, honestly, there ain't much to say. Just stop it. Stop blaming women for the disrespect and mistreatment that men show us. Stop contributing to this idea that men never have to take responsibility for their actions. Men, stop and realize your male privilege and check it. Women, stop shaming each other for things that men do to us. None of us deserve disrespect from anyone. No matter how different your morals and beliefs are from one another. No matter how "crazy" a man says she is. No matter how much of a "hoe" you think she may be. She doesn't deserve it. No one does. 

I'm gonna call y'all on your bullshit every time I see a post like that or hear it in conversation. It's just as damaging as the women you fussed at about Gabby Douglas's hair or the ones you fuss at about body shaming or slut shaming. So, check yourself next time you decide to point the finger at a woman because a man disrespected her. 

TGwBH 

Modeling While Fat

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me "have you ever considered modeling?" or tagged me in a local plus size model search, I'd probably be rich. I've thought about it but I've never actually taken steps toward making it happen. Mostly because I've never really been comfortable with my body and with my style. But recently, I decided to take a step outside of the box and try something new. 

Photos by Grumpy Panda Photography

Over the past two months, I've had three photoshoots and I've realized that I love it! It's so fun getting pretty and having your picture taken. It's much different than taking selfies on your smartphone or having your friend snap a picture before heading out for a night on the town. You feel beautiful and you feel important when someone with a huge professional camera and lighting steps in front of you to take your picture. 

Photos by Grumpy Panda Photography

With all of that said, I've realized that modeling as a smaller, more fit woman and modeling at a size 24 and completely out of shape, is much different. Even stripping the fitness factor from the equation, modeling can be pretty strenuous on your body. You may need to wear high heels for a long period of time, you may need to contort your body in ways that you would never do in real life and you may have to sit on the floor for long periods of time in positions that are "pretty."

This is tough on someone whose body doesn't move like a "normal" persons. Doing things as simple as sitting on the floor in Indian-style are impossible for me. I don't have the ability to sit comfortably on anything with my knees up. My body isn't set up for these types of things. I have fat in places that get in the way and, quite honestly, it was sobering to know that I couldn't do even the simplest things.

When the photographer asked me to do things that were uncomfortable for me, I didn't have a problem saying that it wasn't a comfortable position, but it never feels good to say those things. It's just another way that my body limits me. So, as I move through this new hobby, I am trying really hard not to beat myself up about my weight. I am learning, however, to move my body in a way that honors its curves and its shape. I'm spending time studying how I can display my body in a way that makes it look as best as it can - as it is right now.

Photos by Grumpy Panda Photography  

I'd rather spend time focusing on how to make modeling work with my fat body, as opposed to dwelling on what it can't do.

Until the next photoshoot...

TGwBH 

Numbers on the scale DO scare me.

I went to the doctor's office once for a general check up. No specific health related reason Why I was there. My doctor was a weight loss Natzi - in a good way. She was very adamant about everyone being in a healthy weight range. I trusted her because she was a young Black woman and didn't force 135lbs on me but knew that at 301.1lbs, I needed to shed some of this excess. 

I knew "the talk" was coming when she walked into the exam room. I'd had it a hundred times before with her. But with the number 301.1 burned into my mind, I felt like she was coming to bring me news of a fatal illness. As soon as she walked into the room, I broke down and cried. I felt crazy because the woman hadn't even said anything to me yet. She barely looked me in my eyes when I began to cry. 

That was my moment. A turning point for me.  

Those of you who know me, or follow me on Instagram at the least, know that two years ago, I lost 45 lbs. It was the most weight I've ever lost. I'd given up meat, I worked out five times a week and my diet was on point! But, here I am two years later, at the back door of the 300 club. Where I said I'd never be again. Where disease and health conditions stare me in the face and heart attacks threaten me at night. My clothes don't fit anymore and I am simply uncomfortable in my body.  

So, you can imagine my disappointment after a whole week of eating better and working out heavy, I step on the scale and see +2 lbs. Before you give me the "but muscle is heavier than fat" speech or the "but you should see how your clothes fit" speech, consider where we are. I currently weigh 295.2 lbs. Again, diseases linger at this weight. Those 2 lbs mean everything to me. They are literally the difference between life and death. 

So, yes, the scale does scare me. I try my hardest not to be discouraged. But I won't act like the numbers on that scale don't mean something to me. Because they do. They represent the likelihood that I'll carry my babies full term in a healthy pregnancy. They represent the likelihood that I'll live to see my grandchildren grow up and be able to actually play with them. They represent some pretty heavy stuff for me. So please, don't dismiss my feelings about them by telling me that muscle weighs more than fat. I know my own body and I know damn well it isn't muscle that's adding those two pounds back to my life. 

Until next week's weigh-in.  

TGwBH

To The "Good Guy" That I Pushed Away...

I've been single for most of my adult life. So, it's fair to say that I've had my fair share of - excuse my French - f*ckboys in my day. But every now and again, I come across a really sweet gentleman who is just the perfect guy. He says all the right things, does all the right things, calls me beautiful and says more than "wyd" when he texts me. Usually these type of men come around when I'm already in some screwed up situationship and they end up being friend zoned. But, there have been a few that come at just the right time - when I'm all the way available - and I do something to screw it up. 

To the sweet guys that I've pushed away: I'm sorry. 

I, honestly, have no idea why I do or even when it begins to happen. I know that I'm shallow and spoiled. I have insecurities that often reflect on others. I can be mean sometimes. I am flawed. I am damaged. I am human. 

I was told once that I am going to have to learn to love the right guy and that it's going to take effort to unlearn all the crap that I've learned over the years about loving the effed up people of the world. 

So, to the next nice guy that I meet: I pray that God gives you patience with me. I hope that you're able to kindly tell me when I'm being a brat and gently remind me when I'm letting my insecurities show. I want to learn to love you. I'm just a work in progress.  

TGwBH

How to Shop Asos: 5 Tips Fat Girls Need to Know

Asos is one of my favorite places to shop online. In fact, it's where I do most of my shopping for cute basics and chic statement pieces. I only learned of Asos a few years ago when a co-worker hipped me to it. I only wish that someone would have given me tips on how to shop at this amazing online store. So, I want to share with you some things that I've learned about Asos Curve over the years.

1. Size Down. 

A dress I got a few years back on Asos. It is one of my favorites!  

It is my belief that Europeans believe that fat people in America are REALLY fat. As a result, their sizing is a bit off sometimes. I ALWAYS size down. Right now, I am between a 22 and a 24 US sizes but I have never ordered a size larger than a 20 from Asos. Well, I have but I learned my lesson rather quickly. It is best practice to take a look at the sizing guide and the measurements. 

2. Trial and Error.

Unfortunately, we can't always get the sizing right or we may over/underestimate our size. That's okay. Asos is trial and error and after a few swaps of shirts, dresses and jeans/pants, you'll get it. I promise.

This leather jacket is perfect. I wear it all through the fall season. It was pricey but worth the buy.  

Speaking of swapping - Asos does not have an exchange policy. Only a return. Therefore, if you're unsure of a size - and can afford to - it would be in your best interest to purchase more than one size and return what doesn't work. The return process is SUPER easy. Every order comes with a return form and label. You have 28 days to return something. Stick it in a box/bag and ship it back. I think the whole process took a little over a week for me. Obviously, if you can't afford to have funds tied up, this might not be the best option for you. You can read the entire return policy here.

3. Catch a Sale.

I don't think I can say this enough. Asos is expensive (for good reason, though). It is always best to catch a good sale. And they ALWAYS have good sales. Sometimes, you can catch a 70% off sale and you'll find things as cheap as $10-15. In most cases, they're cute basics are pretty cheap. Anything high-fashion is probably going to cost you closer to $100+.

4. The Rivington jeggings are phenomenal.

A pair of Rivington's I got recently. They are AMAZING.

I am a chunky girl. Ya'll know. These thighs are dimple-y and huge. These hips don't lie. So shopping for denim is always a chore for me. I typically stick to Torrid for all of my denim needs, but honestly, Torrid is way too expensive for me when I just need a pair of comfy jeans. So, I decided to try out the Rivington jeggings at Asos. 

Ya'll. 

They are phenomenal. They're soft, stretchy, and CAH-YUTE! They don't stretch out too much as the day goes on. They are a perfect. I think that every plus size woman with big ole hips, thighs, and butts should have at least two pair in her wardrobe. They're typically pretty inexpensive too. I just got a pair for about $40. 

5. Plan ahead.

While Asos is pretty good about their standard shipping (which is free when you spend over $40), I always recommend giving yourself some wiggle room. If you need a dress for a Friday night, it's probably best to order it at least a week and a half in advance. Asos does have a history of "forgetting" to dispatch items. So, you don't want to be caught with your pants down (lol) waiting on them. 

I hope these things are helpful! I get a lot of questions about Asos when I first introduce it to folks. They are a great options when you know how to shop there. So, head on over and get you some pieces! Let me know how it goes!

TGwBH

s.m.A.R.t goals

Sunday evenings are designated for setting goals. In most cases, they're related to everyday things like laundry, cleaning or packing lunch for the week. But in some cases, I actually plan out my fitness goals. This Sunday was one of those days. 

When it comes to fitness, it is important for me to write out S.M.A.R.T goals. For those of you who aren't familiar, the acronym is defined as Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals. The two hardest for me are attainable and realistic. These areas are always where I seem to go astray. I seem to set these crazy goals that even the most fit person would side eye. "Wake up at 3am every morning this week," "no eating out," "don't step on the scale." Although those things are measurable, they're pretty out of reach at this point in my life.  

It's okay for me to remember that I am easing into this things again and I'm not that slim chick from two years ago that was disciplined enough to set those kind of goals for herself.  

I used to get annoyed when my mom would call herself a realist. I always thought she was so negative. But as I got older, I understood the power of my mother's perspective on things. In situations where I'd normally stress and worry, my mom would be strategic. She had the power to see things just as they were - nothing more and nothing less. Applying this to my weight loss, I have the power to see it for what it is. Right now, I am out of shape. Nothing more and nothing less. So how do I strategically put things into place that help me move forward? Setting goals based on real things. Am I going to wake up and go to the gym every morning this week? No. I won't. But I may get up three times this week. These are realistic goals. These are attainable goals. 

S.M.A.R.T. Goals have helped me to be successful in many areas of my life but fitness is where I find them to be most important. Goal setting helps me to put a plan in action. Planning helps me to succeed. Whoever said, "failing to plan means planning to fail," was talking directly to me.  

Here we go...again. 

TGwBH  

Black Girls Hike, Too!

It started as a post on Facebook shared with my bestfriend about the 12 hiking spots in Maryland that are a must-see. Then, the hashtag happened. I did it as a statement at the end of my obligatory Instagram post after our first hike to prove that we'd actually gone hiking. But then folks were interested and people I hadn't seen since high school were reaching out to me about going hiking. So, we scheduled the next trip. A few people joined us and as we posted the breathtaking view from the top of the Appalachian Mountains, my notifications blew up! 

Sitting on Annapolis Rock after a 2.5 mile uphill trek.  

And then, #BlackGirlsHike was a thing. 

I am here for a good hashtag and a movement. I'm ready to buy t-shirts and copyright and create a facebook page and all of that! So I jumped on google docs and created a quick sign up sheet. The next thing I know, I had over 30 responses. 30 people wanted to join our next trip! So even then, I couldn't believe it. Because, let's be real, people say they wanna do stuff like hike but when it comes down to it, they just want a cool Instagram picture. 

Standing on the side of Dulaney Valley Road waiting for the last few people to get there.  

So, you can imagine my reaction when 21 women showed up to hike with me this past weekend. TWENTY ONE! I still can't believe it. People brought friends and their friends brought friends. It was phenomenal!

The trail is very narrow in some parts so we found ourselves in a single file line which made for a great picture! 

We hiked the Merryman Trail at the Loch Raven Reservoir right outside of Baltimore. The site said that the trail would be about 10 miles round trip, however, somehow we found a way to make the trail a circle and ended up only doing 4.5 miles. I'll admit, I was a bit disappointed because I was ready for those 10 miles! But, it was a great hike nonetheless. Being in the woods with 20 other Black women laughing, encouraging and sweating together was better than I imagined it would be.  

Needles to say, I can't wait for the next trip. It'll be hike #4 this summer and I'm hoping that the number of women continues to grow! If you're interested in participating in our hikes, please take a moment to visit the #BlackGirlsHike section of the blog and sign up. Information about the next hike will be going out very soon.  

The end! We made it! This is sans two of our girls but still a great shot!  

Follow me on Instagram to see more pictures from the hike as the week goes on! Until next time!

TGwBH